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Thank you to my friends and followers who attended the free advanced screening of Don Jon. A special thank you goes out to Keema Mingo and Laurie Berzack ( Carolinas Matchmaker) for joining me after the film for a panel discussion. A special Thank You goes out ... Read More

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Have you ever said to yourself, “Why do I keep falling for the wrong guy/girl?” Even though it can feel like we are swept away into romantic bliss, the truth is that we choose, consciously or unconsciously, who we love. Some people have a detailed list printed out of what they are looking for (ie. must be college educated) and what they will not tolerate (ie. must not smoke). Others don’t have anything written down, but their list is just as real. For both, there are patterns to their partners that they probably haven’t recognized. It doesn’t matter how meticulous our lists are, there are people we will connect with for no identifiable reason. They may have few of our “must haves” and too many of our “must nots” and yet we can’t shake them. Even after the relationship ends, they are the ones that linger in our minds. They are the ones we pull up on the phone, staring at their number, wanting to dial but knowing it’s pointless. These people can’t, or won’t, give us what we want and yet we long for them. If this sounds familiar, I encourage you to make a different kind of list. This isn’t about what you’re looking for in the future, it’s about looking back at what you’ve gotten in the past. Step 1 Make a timeline and chart the significant romantic loves of your life. (Be sure to leave enough room to write about each one later.) They don’t have to be long-term or serious, but these are people you’ve dated and cared about. Or maybe they are people you pined away after for years. Step 2 Next to each person, write a list of their bad qualities. Supposedly, hindsight is 20/20, so with some time to reflect, honestly list their poor characteristics. Be brief. Your list should be one or two word phrases. This isn’t the time to rant. Step 3 Look through your list and circle the words or phrases that are repeated. Write those words in a new list. Step 4 Reflect on the commonalities in the partners you have chosen. Are you surprised at any patterns? Do the patterns change over time?
Here’s an example taken from an excerpt of a cleint’s list: Husband #1: controlling, manipulative, liar, bad with money, unfaithful, angry Live-in Boyfriend: addicted to porn, controlling, uneducated, bad temper Husband #2: boring, jealous, controls money, withdrawn, lazy Commonalities: controlling, anger problems (either expressive or withdrawn)
Her reaction to seeing this list was “Wow!” and then a long sigh. She said she knew her early relationships were volatile, but she had thought that her second husband was very different from the rest because he was quiet and a homebody. After looking at her complete list, she realized that she went from one kind of controlling partner (one who verbally and physically bullied her to get his way) to another kind of controlling partner (one who withdrew from her emotionally and monetarily to get his way). When we talked through why she might be attracted to controlling men, at first she said she is definitely NOT attracted to men like that. Yet her list tells a different story. The story she tells herself is that she is looking for a man who treats her as an equal, who trusts her to make decisions, and who respects her. The story her list tells is that she consistently gets involved with men who do not treat her well. Upon deeper reflection, she said that while she wants a man to trust her, she realizes maybe she doesn’t trust herself. Since she has never taken control of her own life, it is easier for her to be with people who control it for her. That way, she can be a martyr and get sympathy about how poorly she is treated, and she also is absolved from taking responsibility and taking risks. Now that she knows her pattern, she can work on taking more control of her own life so that she gains confidence and no longer looks for a man who will bully her. If you’re struggling to break bad love habits, give this exercise a try.

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