Hi, I’m one of your Twitter pals.

Intelligently written post. I enjoyed your insight. I wonder if we would all have felt guilty about sex when we were kids, whether or not there were rules. I’d be curious to know what you think.

Cristina-

If I am understanding your question, I think you’re asking if shame about sexuality is natural or if it’s a result of one’s environment. Is that right?

My first reaction is that if my three young kids are any indication, they are not intrinsically ashamed of their sexuality. It is the response of the people around them which informs the way they feel about their bodies, their expression of their sexuality, etc.

That’s why, when I talk to parents, I always stress the importance of responding to their child’s sexuality in an affirming way. Parents (and school administrators, in the case of the campuses referred to in the post), can set boundaries and clarify values — and at the same time affirm the person and affirm their sexuality.

Does that answer your question?

Another who twittered over. Congratulations, Becky! Not an evangelic school but I grew up in Provo, Utah where the colleges standards dictated public policy because of its economic stranglehold. Off-campus apartments weren’t co-ed or they weren’t “approved” housing for students. Other craziness. On a high school field trip to see a play at BYU, I was singled out and not allowed to enter the audience because I was wearing “slacks” and didn’t conform to their dress code.

As to the conversation about kids and “natural shame”, I remember the trouble I had explaining to my 3 year old son it made other people uncomfortable when he masturbated in public.

“Why?”

He felt that since he wasn’t touching them or keeping them from touching themselves they owed him the same courtesy.

I never said “just because” to him. I really had to think about it to figure out “Why?”

What I came up with was
1) Some people have silly ideas about penises, vaginas, butts and breasts. It upsets them to think about them. I don’t know why.

I wasn’t very happy being the masturbation police but I figured that it wasn’t a good sign for our mainstream-ability that neither of us had even noticed. Suddenly I’d have to say, “would you mind doing that in your room, honey?” or “you can play in the sandbox or masturbate in your room (or the tub?) but not at the same time.”

I have a very well-adjusted 26 yr old now. And in his tween/teen years, he felt comfortable enough to come to me about his issues. I had no idea a boy could harm himself masturbating! I had to go to guy friends for advice. The answer it turns out is lotion. Teenaged boys masturbate a lot. I mean Ripleys-believe-it-or-not a lot. Chaffed to bleeding!

I offered to buy him a vibrating sleeve from an adult store that he couldn’t possible hurt himself with. He asked for a subscription to Playboy instead. Which I got –then fretted that I was encouraging him to imprint sexually on busty blond bulimics.

No gift from me comes without Q & A, deconstruction and endless lesbian-feminist processing/over-sharing. Which is probably why he refused the vibrator. Sigh. No parent is perfect. (But my son thinks I’m close. LOL.)

On your second point about the difficulty in flipping the switch from “Sex is dirty/sinful/only something truly desperate and lonely girls would subject themselves to” TO “Sex is holy and beautiful and sacred” — Yes, that’s a problem.

I am glad that Christians/Conservatives/What-cha-ma-callits have taken a healthier view of sexuality and that they acknowledge it as an integral part of being a whole person — but there’s still a real polarity in their thinking and in what they are teaching people (especially young people).

There is a book about sex that is aimed at Christian young people and it makes me so irate every time I read it! I have started blogging about it on a few occasions but I get so upset I decide I don’t want to put all that negative energy out into the universe!

But I think it’s a real problem, and I see the effects of it almost every day. Granted, I work in the South/Bible-Belt — but A LOT of the women that I work with say they were raised in religious and/or conservative homes. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they also have a lot of sexual problems, including: lack of desire, trouble becoming aroused, lack of sexual education about basic anatomy and physiology, difficulty reaching orgasm, and painful intercourse.

And now you know what I want to write a book about!

Becky, is the book R U Dateable? That’s the last one that really got me steaming mad.

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