Yesterday, an Associated Press/MTV study revealed that 30 percent of youths say they have sent or received nude photos. So what’s a concerned parent to do?

When I work with parents on how to talk to their kids about sex, I like to refer them to the Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents, found in Deborah Roffman’s book, Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex. It’s common for parents to feel anxious about the topic of sex, so it’s helpful to keep these points in mind.

Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents

AFFIRMATION
In any dialogue about sex, it’s a good idea to begin by recognizing and validating your child’s stage of sexual development. Underlying most of their concerns is the question “Am I normal?”

INFORMATION GIVING
Kids need age-appropriate information about sex, but don’t think you can do it all in one “birds and bees” lecture. Make it an ongoing conversation.

VALUES CLARIFICATION
Sharing your values helps kids to identify and interpret competing values systems.

LIMIT SETTING
Setting age-appropriate rules creates a healthy and safe environment for children and adolescents. They may huff and puff, but secretly they appreciate having you set some boundaries.

ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE
Prepare your kids for the times when they’ll have to rely on themselves to make responsible choices.

So, let’s see how this would play out in real life:

Setting: You intercept a text to your 14-year-old daughter from her boyfriend in which he suggests she send him a sexy pic of her topless.

Affirmation – acknowledge that it can feel good to have that kind of attention from a guy

Information – let her know that most teens regret sexting and that it usually goes far beyond the intended recipient, and that there’s no way to stop it once it’s out into the world

Values – remind her that you value self-respect and that you don’t think that this kind of behavior is demonstrating that

Limits – you could set whatever limits make sense in your situation, perhaps restricting her cell phone privileges or access to the boyfriend

Guidance – this probably won’t be the last time that someone asks her to “sext” so talk with her about how to address other possibilities such as someone forwarding a pic to her — does she send it on or not?

Keep in mind — these are just simple examples that came to my mind of what you could say. You will have to speak from your heart and do what makes sense for you and your kid.

Also, this is not a one-sided encounter. At each point in the conversation, invite your child to agree, disagree, question and challenge you. This isn’t about indoctrinating them, it’s about creating a healthy environment for them to feel comfortable discussing important things with you.

Recommended Resources:

My blog posts about Talking to Kids About Sex

Sex and Sensibility

Everything you NEVER wanted your kids to know about SEX (but were afraid they’d ask)

What Every 21st Parent Needs to Know

Parents’ Sex Ed Center