By displaying this badge, I am helping to offset 122,500 lbs of CO2 — that’s like turning off 38,000 light bulbs for a day!

You can get your own badge here or do your own small part by turning off your lights an hour earlier tonight. What to do in the dark, you ask? Well, here are some ideas…

indulge in a sensual massage

reminisce about your life before marriage/career/kids

go outside, lie on a blanket, and look up at the stars

light a fire and have a glass of wine

take a bubble bath

get out a flashlight and see your partner’s body in a new way

tell each other stories — funny, sad, erotic, fact or fiction

ask a question you’ve been hesitant to pose

put on some music and slow dance

have sex somewhere other than the bedroom

or… sleep! Sleep is good too.

Buddha’s Parable of the Raft

A man is trapped on one side of a fast-flowing river. Where he stands, there is great danger and uncertainty – but on the far side of the river, there is safety. But there is no bridge or ferry for crossing. So the man gathers logs, leaves, twigs, and vines and is able to fashion a raft, sturdy enough to carry him to the other shore. By lying on the raft and using his arms to paddle, he crosses the river to safety.
The Buddha then asks the listeners a question: “What would you think if the man, having crossed over the river, then said to himself, ‘Oh, this raft has served me so well, I should strap it on to my back and carry it over land now?’”
The monks replied that it would not be very sensible to cling to the raft in such a way.
The Buddha continues: “What if he lay the raft down gratefully, thinking that this raft has served him well, but is no longer of use and can thus be laid down upon the shore?”
The monks replied that this would be the proper attitude.
The Buddha concluded by saying, “So it is with my teachings, which are like a raft, and are for crossing over with — not for seizing hold of.”

Now, being who I am, I can’t help but think of how this parable has a lot to teach us about sex. There are ways of navigating our sexuality that may serve us during a time, but which are meant to be discarded. If held onto, they become a burden for the journey ahead.

What old sexual “rafts” are you continuing to tote around even though their usefulness has ceased? What is preventing you from laying them down and stepping forward unencumbered?

- – -
Thanks to Shawn Anthony at A Weathered Monk for posting this parable and inspiring this post.

by Dorianne Laux

I loved him most
when he came home from work,
his fingers still curled from fitting pipe,
his denim shirt ringed with sweat,
smelling of salt, the drying weeds
of the ocean. I’d go to where he sat
on the edge of the bed, his forehead
anointed with grease, his cracked hands
jammed between his thighs, and unlace
the steel-toed boots, stroke his ankles
and calves, the pads and bones of his feet.
Then I’d open his clothes and take
the whole day inside me – the ship’s
gray sides, the miles of copper pipe,
the voice of the foreman clanging
off the hull’s silver ribs. Spark of lead
kissing metal. The clamp, the winch,
the white fire of the torch, the whistle,
and the long drive home.

I am still learning how to be angry. I have to fight the urge to keep the anger all in my head so that I can analyze every piece of it. Partly out of fear that I am angry out of selfish or silly motives, and partly because I don’t trust others to respond with understanding or compassion. Whereas I have prided myself on being in control of my emotions, I am beginning to see more clearly how I have allowed some emotions to control me — by keeping me locked into endless mental maneuvering.

I so seldom express my anger, that I am pretty terrible at it. Instead of anger, it comes out has bitterness, meanness and being just plain grumpy — not helpful at all for actually addressing the issues that are contributing to my anger.

Which is why I found these excerpts from the Gottman’s book Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage so surprisingly spot-on:

One key is to recognize anger as a positive emotion. In fact, images from brain scans show that we experience anger on the left side of the brain, along with feelings of amusement and intense interest. Unlike sadness or fear — which are experienced on the right side of the brain and cause us to withdraw from the world — anger can stir us to engage with others, to take action, and to get involved.

Like all emotions, there’s a logic and purpose to anger. We typically get angry when we see injustice, believe we’ve been treated unfairly, or encounter an obstacle to achieving our goals. If we can learn to use anger constructively, it can inspire us to make positive changes on our own behalf — to try harder, to fight for what’s fair, and to communicate more passionately. We can use anger to italicize our language so that other people can hear and understand how strongly we feel about an issue.

When you can experience anger as a positive, constructive force in your life, you may no longer feel as if you have to keep your anger hidden all the time. You learn to express it, so that others can better understand your experience, which leads to less resentment and a better chance at problem solving.

In marriage, couples may improve their relationship by reacting to each other’s anger with this same kind of respect. If you approach your partner’s anger with the idea that there’s a logical, legitimate reason behind his or her feelings, then you may be able to use that anger as a resource for improving your marriage.

Responding to your partner’s anger with open-ended questions helps to show that you’re listening and also helps keep you from responding defensively. Here are some suggested responses:

• “You seem really upset about this, can you tell me more?”
• “Is there something I can do that would help?”
• “What other feelings is this conjuring up for you?”
• “What is the most upsetting part of all of this?”
• “What kind of resolution are hoping for?”

And one final question for you, the reader, and for myself:

“Who would you express your anger to if you knew they would listen and respond with respect?”

Happy Monday to you all!

I am home today, enjoying the warm rain and relishing my last two days before my new position at Presbyterian Hospital begins. I have been working there part-time for six months, and recently I was hired to be the full-time Office Coordinator for the Patient Relations department. (And no, “Patient Relations” is not a euphemism — I won’t be doing anything even remotely related to sexual health.)

I am so grateful for the opportunity to work at Sensovi Institute for the last four years. I began as a volunteer because I wanted to help other people access quality sex and intimacy help. Once in the Sensovi office, I realized that I wanted to be even more involved so I went back to school for my Master of Public Health in Human Sexuality degree. In 2008, I became the Director of Education and Programs, and I truly loved leading groups and meeting one-on-one with clients. I can’t say enough about how much I learned from Dr. Lisa and the other professionals I got to know and work with.

But this feels like the right time to make a move. I need some new challenges and a new environment. I was hoping to find a position in sexual health, but (no surprise) there aren’t a plethora of opportunities out there right now. Presbyterian is a pretty good “Plan B” — great pay and benefits, an office with a giant window overlooking the courtyard (one of my few requirements for work is that I must have a big window next to me!), and a very sweet team of people to work with.

One thing that has surprised me about working in a hospital is the diversity of people I encounter on any given day. We can have Olympic athletes visiting the Children’s Hospital, a family that doesn’t speak English desperately trying to locate a loved one that was in a serious accident, a woman giving birth in the elevator, and CEOs rooming next to homeless veterans. I really appreciate Presbyterian’s emphasis on Excellence — not just an expectation of excellent medical care, but the insistence that each and every person has an excellent experience at our hospital. It’s going to be my job to ensure that!

About the Sex Stuff…
I am going to continue speaking and writing about healthy sexuality. I will also continue blogging, so please let me know what kind of content most interests you.

Click here to take survey

I look forward to our continued journey together. Who knows what the future might hold?

On this day in 1927, the French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir wrote in her diary:

“In the brilliant sunshine I felt the desire to take walks in muslin dresses completely soaked with my sweat, to stretch myself out in the grass without a thought, to take refuge in this sensual pleasure, in my body which doesn’t need to depend on anybody.”

This weekend, I will be speaking at the TransFORM Conference in Washington DC about sexually healthy faith communities. As I’ve been preparing, it has occurred to me that this topic could occupy much more than a 90 minute workshop. This could be a conference unto itself. I am really going to have to stay on topic — I don’t want to go off on a tangent about how so many churches have done it wrong. I want to stay positive. Stay hopeful.

Whether you are part of a faith community or not, I would love to hear your thoughts on what you think are the markers of a sexually healthy faith community (or any community for that matter). What makes one community “healthier” than the other?

Thanks for your input. I’ll be sure to report back and let you know how the presentation went. I will have a few friends and mentors in the crowd so it will be a different audience than I am used to. And I’ll be talking about sex to a bunch of pastors and church-people — that’s a little different too.

But I am definitely looking forward to it. Sexual health is what I am all about.

Oh, and if you’re in DC, come by. It’s a free event. I speak on Friday at 1:45pm.

“When a parent takes a child in her arms and comforts her when she is upset, or physically hurt, that parent is teaching the child a fundamental positive ingredient of sexuality. When a father wakes up a child in the morning by quietly talking to him and rubbing his back, he is teaching him about sexuality. When parents, with watchful eyes, encourage a child to jump on a trampoline, or to climb and swing on a jungle gym, you could even make the case that these parents are teaching the child about sexuality. From a young age, all these children associate touch with love and soothing, and they associate their own bodies with play, delight, relaxation, excitement, love, fun, competence, pleasure.”
- excerpt from Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What To Do About It by Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D.

Read more about The Importance of Touch

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

read the rest…

I had two friends send me period-related links this week, so I thought I would share.

This one was sent to me by my friend Rachel who wrote the piece Tuesday’s Underpants for my Best Blog Series Ever: Periods.

The second link came courtesy of my friend Rachelle, she of Magpie Girl fame and current tender of the Flock. It’s a list of what people in other countries call their periods, though right now I like “Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System.”

If you didn’t catch it the first time around, I urge you to check out posts from the blog series. And if you have some more funny or interesting links about periods, leave the info in the comments!

And please do check out my Q&A with Elissa Stein, author of “Flow: The Cultural Story of Menstruation.” Or check her out on The View.