Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and whether you celebrate enthusiastically, reluctantly, or not at all, it’s that time of year when everyone is talking about romance. While flowers and chocolates are nice, here are three things that will really make a difference in improving your love life.

Make Time
I know many of you are hesitant to “schedule” sex, but don’t you schedule other parts of your life? Heck, you make sure to get your nails done or your oil changed. People will say that they want sex to be spontaneous, but for most couples, that kind of “I-have-to-have-you-this-instant” intensity wears off eventually and you will have to take the initiative to make things happen. And the goal doesn’t have to be intercourse! Simply making time for each other – without kids, cell phones, or other distractions – will help you connect on an emotional and spiritual level that will make the physical encounters all that much more meaningful. Also, making time for each other forces you to make your relationship a priority. If you “can’t find time” for each other, you need to ask yourself why you are choosing to disengage.

Make Eye Contact
Is it possible that you can go through an entire day and never look into your partner’s eyes? For many, it’s more than possible – it’s the norm. Sometimes it’s because we’re too busy, but sometimes it’s because we’re avoiding our partner. Eye contact is powerful stuff, we can use it to affirm and “see” others, or we can withhold it to punish them and create distance. Try giving your partner more direct eye contact and see how it can change how you feel about them, and how they respond to you. Don’t be surprised if it feels a bit strange at first. Sadly, most of us are not used to giving or receiving extended eye contact, but it’s one of the easiest ways to communicate that you value and respect the other person, and that you are present with them in that moment — a true gift!

Make Noise!
I know, I know. Life would be so much easier if our partner could read our minds. And after ump-teen years of togetherness — shouldn’t we be able to expect it by now? Sorry to say, but the answer for most of us is “No.” If you want something, you need to say so. It can be scary to voice our wants and needs because we put ourselves at risk to be ignored or belittled. But the truth is, you need to know. You need to know you have a voice in your relationship, and you deserve to know if your partner is strong enough to respond in a healthy way. If you knew that whatever you wanted would be granted, what kind of sex life would you ask for? What’s keeping you from telling your lover? Are you afraid of them saying “No”, or you afraid of what happens when they “Yes”?

What can you ‘make’ for your Valentine this year?

Abraham Maslow says that self-actualizing people are fascinated by mystery. They do not avoid it in favor of clarity and certainty. This is another feature of personal depth. Mystery honors the incomprehensible depth that resides in every finite reality. We can feel drawn to the mystery of how the world works, to what underlies what we see, and to what comes next in history, ours and the world’s. This is an attraction to what is emerging. Teilhard de Chardin spoke admiringly of a “mysterious sense of the future … an attraction to the future as an organism progressing to the unknown.” We feel drawn to emergent properties of earth and ourselves that fit no categories yet discovered. We futurists may find that we are upstarts not quite at home in structures, institutions, or limited worldviews. We feel immortal evolutionary longings in the midst of change and end. Perhaps those longings are the wake of the ferry called Divine Plan.

- David Richo, The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them

A common complaint I hear from women* is that they’re too caught up in the craziness of daily life to relax and enjoy sex. So they either avoid it whenever possible, or “fulfill their wifely duty” and go through the motions (all the while distracted by the dirty laundry piled up on the floor, the dog barking next door, or the light on in the hallway).

One way to transition from sensory overload to sensual calm is to do some relaxation and meditation exercises. These practices can help you tune in to your body and be present in the moment – skills helpful in situations outside of the bedroom too.

For transitioning from the domestic to the erotic, a CD like Love Well can help orient your thoughts toward intimacy and pleasure. Certified Hypnotherapist Janet Montgomery provides  20 minutes of guided imagery, and Jeff Gold provides the music.

What I appreciated about this CD is that it could be used by anyone (any gender, any orientation) – unlike other CDs I’ve heard that were distracting because they were too specific, too “guided.” The goal here isn’t to insert fantasies into your mind, but to create a space for you to relax into your own sensual longings. You can listen to a sample on the Live Well Series website.

Experiment for a while and see what works for you. Some clients have found a ten minute video on YouTube.com helpful, some do yoga stretches, some listen to soothing music, some listen to a meditation CD, and some have taught themselves how to do progressive muscle relaxation.

If you frequently feel too anxious for sex, learn how to slow down and set aside the worries of the day. Instead of feeling burdened as if sex is another item on your “to-do” list, think of it as a reward – a time for you to enjoy the pleasures of your body and the connection you have with your partner. Satisfying sex can actually decrease your stress level and bring some of the peace and calm that you long for.

If you have a favorite technique or resource for transitioning from sensory overload to sensual calm, please add it in the comments.

*I need to point out that not only women complain of being too stressed out or distracted for sex. It’s a common misconception that only women avoid or turn down sex.

[I received the Love Well CD free for purposes of review]

Dr. Oz introduced his segment on Vulvodynia by promising a “frank conversation” and a “no embarrassment zone.” He said the show was “blowing the lid off” of this condition and that “Nothing, I mean nothing, is off limits.”

Except for a vulva.

Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re going to do a piece about the millions of women who suffer from pain in their vulvas, and were going to show an image to educate people, I expect you to come up with something better than a traffic signal.

Dr. Oz told women the green light is their anus, the yellow is their vagina, and the red is their urethra. Um, okay. I’m sure that cleared things up for all of the women who have no idea what their vulva looks like. This would have been a perfect opportunity for him to do some actual education and de-stigmatizing about women’s anatomy. Instead, he chose to use a “metaphor.”

And once again the clitoris is nowhere to be found. So not only do women not learn about the clitoris in sex education classes, but they won’t learn about it from a doctor either. (Many diagrams in sex education do not identify the clitoris – after all, that’s about pleasure and people only need to learn about reproduction, right?)

You can watch a 5 minute segment of the show here. It does offer some good info and the treatment options listed on the site are a good starting point. However, if you want to know what an actual vulva looks like, check out this 3D Vulva site.

Or better yet, view this quick video for an artful, affirming approach to the vulva:

Disclaimer: I did not view the entire show, just the 5 minute segment linked to above. If he did a better job of talking about the vulva later in the show, please let me know.

I wrote an article yesterday for the February issue of Natural Awakenings, a free publication in the Charlotte area that covers Healthy Living. I wrote about desire since it’s been a hot topic as of late.

As I was looking for a quote by David Schnarch (something along the line of “if you don’t desire sex, it’s probably because the sex you’re having isn’t very desirable” – I think he wrote that in Passionate Marriage), I came across an interview he did. I bookmarked it so I could come back to it later. I try to ingest as much Schnarch as I can. Which reminds me, I really have to get his new book, Intimacy & Desire.

Tonight as I was reading the interview, I was reminded again how much I appreciate his approach to relationships. I thought I’d share this specific answer with you because it pretty much sums up my whole article.  Read more…

by Rabbi Rami M. Shapiro

May we discover through pain and torment,
the strength to live with grace and humor.
May we discover through doubt and anguish,
the strength to live with dignity and holiness.
May we discover through suffering and fear,
the strength to move toward healing.
May it come to pass that we be restored to health and to vigor.
May Life grant us wellness of body, spirit, and mind.
And if this cannot be so, may we find in this transformation and passage
moments of meaning, opportunities for love
and the deep and gracious calm that comes
when we allow ourselves to move on.

The following is an MTV Media Request. I do not have any additional information, nor can I personally vouch for the show or the producers. However, I am glad to see that they are offering a platform for people to discuss this often secret problem. Hopefully this show can help to educate the public and help those suffering to feel less alone. Read more…

I was going to write a long list of the books I’ve read this year and which ones I’d recommend and for whom… but there is only so much time in the day. So I decided to narrow it down to a few books, though I realize they’ll probably only appeal to about half of you (sorry guys, maybe next year you’ll get your own list). For fresh takes on puberty, periods, self-esteem, and passion, I give you:

All The Wrong People Have Self-Esteem: An Inappropriate Book for Young Ladies – To give you a sense of what’s in store, the author runs a workshop in NYC called “Mistakes on Purpose,” believes “Collage is a way of life” and this is her website. Her premise? “interesting people are full of doubt. People who are totally sure their way is the only way are always wrong. I think self-esteem is a myth perpetrated by psychologists, movie stars, magazines, and the pharmaceutical industry. They want you to think something’s wrong with you because you don’t have self-esteem like you ‘should.’ Oh, please! georgia o’keeffe, beethoven, and mark twain all had their doubts, but managed to get a few things done, and so can you.”  Read more…

(Bergquist/Detweiler)

You’re my water
You’re my wine
You’re my whiskey
From time to time

You’re the hunger
On my bones
All the nights
I sleep alone

Sweet intoxication
When your words
Wash over me

Whether or not
Your lips move
You speak to me

Like an ocean
Without waves
You’re the movement
That I crave

And in that motion
I long to drown
And be lost not to be found
You’re my water
You’re my wine
You’re my whiskey
From time to time

Yesterday, an Associated Press/MTV study revealed that 30 percent of youths say they have sent or received nude photos. So what’s a concerned parent to do?

When I work with parents on how to talk to their kids about sex, I like to refer them to the Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents, found in Deborah Roffman’s book, Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex. It’s common for parents to feel anxious about the topic of sex, so it’s helpful to keep these points in mind.

Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents

AFFIRMATION
In any dialogue about sex, it’s a good idea to begin by recognizing and validating your child’s stage of sexual development. Underlying most of their concerns is the question “Am I normal?”

INFORMATION GIVING
Kids need age-appropriate information about sex, but don’t think you can do it all in one “birds and bees” lecture. Make it an ongoing conversation.

VALUES CLARIFICATION
Sharing your values helps kids to identify and interpret competing values systems.

LIMIT SETTING
Setting age-appropriate rules creates a healthy and safe environment for children and adolescents. They may huff and puff, but secretly they appreciate having you set some boundaries.

ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE
Prepare your kids for the times when they’ll have to rely on themselves to make responsible choices.

So, let’s see how this would play out in real life:

Setting: You intercept a text to your 14-year-old daughter from her boyfriend in which he suggests she send him a sexy pic of her topless.

Affirmation – acknowledge that it can feel good to have that kind of attention from a guy

Information – let her know that most teens regret sexting and that it usually goes far beyond the intended recipient, and that there’s no way to stop it once it’s out into the world

Values – remind her that you value self-respect and that you don’t think that this kind of behavior is demonstrating that

Limits – you could set whatever limits make sense in your situation, perhaps restricting her cell phone privileges or access to the boyfriend

Guidance – this probably won’t be the last time that someone asks her to “sext” so talk with her about how to address other possibilities such as someone forwarding a pic to her — does she send it on or not?

Keep in mind — these are just simple examples that came to my mind of what you could say. You will have to speak from your heart and do what makes sense for you and your kid.

Also, this is not a one-sided encounter. At each point in the conversation, invite your child to agree, disagree, question and challenge you. This isn’t about indoctrinating them, it’s about creating a healthy environment for them to feel comfortable discussing important things with you.

Recommended Resources:

My blog posts about Talking to Kids About Sex

Sex and Sensibility

Everything you NEVER wanted your kids to know about SEX (but were afraid they’d ask)

What Every 21st Parent Needs to Know

Parents’ Sex Ed Center