The apple,
which I received from the hand
Of the most charming,
gazelle-like maiden
Which she had plucked herself
from a branch
That was as supple as her own body.
And sweet it was
to place my hand upon it
As though it was the breast
of the one who gave it.
Pure was the fragrance of the apple,
Like the breath of the giver.
One could see
the color of her cheek on it,
And I thought I was tasting her lips
When I began to eat the apple.

This 9th century Arabic poem shows how any food can be an aphrodisiac. For me, it’s not so much about the actual food being consumed, as it is about the person I am eating it with and the energy between us.

Linda De Villers, PhD is a sex therapist and a foodie. She combines her expertise in both arenas in her new book Simple Sexy Food: 101 Tasty Aphrodisiac Recipes and Sensual Tips to Stir Your Libido and Feed Your Love (whew, that’s a long title!). Linda’s definition of an aphrodisiac is “any food or drink that contributes to sexual intimacy either through increasing arousal, excitement, playfulness, or enjoyment.”

The first section traces the history of many common foods and their supposed link to sex. Did you know, for instance, that the ancient Greek physician Galen believed olive oil to be such a powerful aphrodisiac that he warned that women who ingested it would abandon their homes in search of sexual satisfaction? (So they had physicians spouting ridiculous claims about women’s sexuality even back in ancient times huh?)

Truth be told, I am not a whiz in the kitchen, so I was relieved to see that the recipes were fairly straight-forward. Reading the first section about the sexual lore of each food definitely got me in the frame of mind where I was excited to get in the kitchen and whip up a recipe or two.

As I stated earlier, and as the poem above illustrates, even a simple apple can be an instrument of arousal. The key is sensuality. Notice in the poem how the writer mentions the look, scent, taste, and feel of the fruit? And also how the writer is present to what is happening in front him? He is in the moment, relaxed, taking it all in, and leaning in to the pleasure.

So whether you are eating Pepper Steak with Cognac or a PB&J, it can be as sexy of an experience as you want it to be.

I feel like everywhere you look these days there’s some woman reading 50 Shades of Grey — the woman in the doctor’s office blushing behind her e-reader, the woman on the train earnestly trying to cover her book’s jacket, the woman at the park feverishly flipping through the pages — it’s everywhere. Even if you haven’t read it, you’ve certainly heard about it and have maybe even contemplated reading it. What started out as Twilight Fan Fiction has quickly become a NYTimes Bestseller and an eye-opener to those not so well-versed in the world of BDSM.

If the steamy pages of dom/sub play were a new concept for you and you found yourself excited, you should take heed from Anastasia and Christian’s relationship and repeat after them. Maybe you’re not ready for an elaborate sex room, but you can always build up to that. For now, let’s just start small with some Adam and Eve 50 Shades of Grey inspired sex toys.

First up, the Door Jam Cuffs: These are great to simulate suspension and to give your master complete control over you.

Leather plays a consistent role in 50SoG, so take your punishment in style with the Fashionistas Black Glass Riding Crop. You can whip and be whipped right into submission. Note: the name is misleading, it is made of glass and leather.

Remember that Anastasia wasn’t allowed to touch Christian, so work up the same restraint with the Sex and Mischief Bed Bondage Kit. With all four appendages cuffed, you won’t be able to move or touch anything.

While Christian said he hadn’t collared anyone, it doesn’t mean you can’t. Check out Bound by Diamonds Leash & Collar to really know what being “owned” feels like.

Finally, if you really want to create your own sex room, start by getting the sexy Love Swing‚ a playground for all sorts of deliciousness and domination that will never err on the vanilla side.

However, if you decide to explore the world of BDSM, be sure to talk to your partner beforehand. Set up a safe word and move into it slowly. It can be a little scary if it isn’t done with someone you’re comfortable with, so be sure to wait at least until the 2nd date to whip out your door restraints. I kid, but do be ready to be open with your partner and even more open with your mind.

And, if you don’t have a partner to tease and tempt you, don’t worry, there’s still 50 Shades of Grey, your imagination and an endless sea of vibrating goodness.

In preparation for a workshop I did in Los Angeles last weekend, I was reading Talking Sex with Your Kids by Amber Madison. It’s a great book for parents and covers a lot of important information. However, the section that really caught my attention was the following:

Why Your Daughter Needs to Know Boys Aren’t Assholes

… Now, imagine that we were able to convince all young women that guys were decent human beings who want more than “just one thing.” Suppose girls were taught that guys like relationships and that they value intelligence, a sense of humor, and a kind soul. For one, romantic relationships would seem much more obtainable and appealing. But secondly, girls would have an easier time learning to value those traits in themselves. When we tell girls that guys only want them for their vaginas, they get the message that their value lies solely within their sexuality. Wonder why so many teen girls seem overly consumed with their bodies, clothing and makeup? Because we inadvertently support the notion that a girl’s biggest asset is her sex appeal. If girls were raised hearing “what guys want is a girl who’s ambitious,” then to impress a guy, they would be hitting their books, not jumping in the sack.

What you tell your daughter about the opposite sex matters. It affects both how she will approach romantic relationships and what she will value in herself. Illuminating the fact that guys are real people with real emotions makes them less intimidating and makes it easier for girls to know what they should expect out of a relationship. If you let your daughter believe that guys are assholes, how can you insist she have standards for the type of guys she dates? Why not date losers–if all guys are jerks anyway.

When I told a female friend that I was reviewing a book called Vulva 101 she crinkled up her nose and questioned “Why would anyone want to look at that?”

When I told a male friend the same thing, he asked “What’s a vulva?”

Hence, this is the relationship we have with vulvas.

Author Hylton Coxwell photographed 101 women, ages 18-65, and his book illustrates just how diverse and unique vulvas are. He says that his motivation for the project was to “help society overcome its fear and shame regarding the vulva.”

In my work with adult women, I find that many of them hold a lot of shame about their genitals. Women are often unaware of their own bodies, and because they can’t/don’t see other women’s vulvas, they assume that their own is somehow deformed or ugly. And if a woman has seen the idealized images in mainstream porn, then she is convinced she is defective!

In the past, I have used Nick Karras’ book Petals to show women just how varied vulvas truly are. After their initial discomfort, they develop an awareness of what a real vulva looks like and they decide that their own is just fine, maybe even beautiful. For sex educators, coaches and therapists, Vulva 101 is a welcome new resource for one-on-one and group sessions.

One criticism I have, which the author concedes, is that the women who participated in this project were a self-selecting group and don’t necessarily represent 101 average women. For example, the number of women who are shaved and/or pierced is pretty high. Still, the book accomplishes what it sets out to do — showcase vulvas in all their varied forms.

- – - Update – - –

The following is from an email that Hylton sent in response to my review. I added it (with his permission):

Regarding the number who were shaved or not (20% were naturally hairy), I do believe this to proportionately represent women in general (at least in this part of Canada). “Average” women do appear to remove some or all of their pubic hair. But, I’m in the process of researching that with a much larger group of women, and will write an article with the findings.

The piercings, at about 14%, may be an anomaly given the small data set (101). On the other hand, they are becoming increasingly common. Most in the book might surprise you (they surprised me sometimes); librarians and lawyers, and most are moms in their 30s and 40s.

I first discovered VulvaLoveLovely when I was searching for visuals to use in a workshop I was presenting for women struggling with body shame. I was struck by the idea of wearing a vulva pendant around your neck as a badge of honor — a way of claiming it and saying, “Look at this amazing beautiful thing! This is me!”

I was curious how a unique venture like this began, so I sent Jessica-Marie, the creator of VulvaLoveLovely, a few questions. She was kind enough to respond, and to offer a FREE GIFT to one of my lucky commenters (see below for details).

Q. What or who inspired you to create your first vulva pendant? How did that evolve into a business?

A. I love this question. At the age of 14 I experienced a really terrible sexual trauma. It haunted me for years, I treated my body like trash as a punishment to myself. My body was a bad omen. It got to the point that I couldn’t even bear to touch myself to wash off in the shower. I saw a counselor but the problem was that I had displaced all of my fear and shame onto my Vulva and my counselor wasn’t really willing to go there. She never used ‘the V word’ in our sessions and I really needed her to.

One day I couldn’t deal any more. I could hardly function and my sex life was terrifying. I have always been an artist and always used art to restructure negative feelings. I figured I would try doing just that and the first Vulva portrait pendant was born. I hated that pendant. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. I kept it on my desk at home so that I would look at it every day. Over time I started noticing things that I liked about it, a curve or a color. Then finally about a month later I was able to look at it for what it was, beautiful and powerful. I was able to look at it and recognize that it wasn’t a bad omen or a black hole. At the time I was in working with a rape crisis center and I wore it in one day. Everyone wanted one and so they all got one. At this point a friend of mine came to visit and saw all of this Vulva art everywhere and suggested I try selling it. At first I thought the idea was crazy but later on I decided I could try it and donate the money I made to the crisis center. Within a week I was getting thank you letters from strangers who had found the site and it just sort of snowballed from there.

Q. Your message is “Love Your Vulva.” Why do you think it is so difficult for women to believe that their vulvas are beautiful?

A. Everything we see and hear implies that we shouldn’t believe it. Just the word itself is taboo, which can only suggest there is something inherently wrong with the thing itself. When we start talking about sexual appeal women are told that their Vulva’s need to be a particular shape, color and size. The slang terms that we have for our Vulva’s are predominantly ugly representations: beaver, fish lips, camel toe, bearded clam, meat curtains… you get the idea. With synonyms like these it’s not hard to see why we as a society sub consciously adapt the belief that Vulva’s are ugly. Unlike men women’s Vulva’s are very hard to see, so often times the only point of reference women have is what they see in porn. And what they see is dyed, shaved, airbrushed and sometimes surgically altered. What they see does not occur naturally. So with all of this combined it is very difficult for women to see their Vulva’s as beautiful or even valuable.

Q. Now this is a pet peeve of mine, so bear with me, but why do you sometimes refer to the pieces as “vagina pendants”? It perpetuates misinformation about women’s bodies. Vaginas and vulvas are not the same thing.

A. This is a perpetuation of the problem by the problem. The main way we drive traffic to the site is by google search, and 98% of the time people are searching for “Vagina Pendants, or Vagina Art” so our site has to be set up to catch those keywords. Google gives the most weight to title names, then descriptions. This means the only way to catch that traffic is to title the same way people are searching. The way we have tried to find a middle ground, so that we are catching that traffic while informing people that these two words are not the same thing is by alternating title names between vulva and vagina. In the descriptions we also use both, but again because google looks at the descriptions to determine search page ranking we have to use both.

I understand the whole Google search thing, but it is unfortunate that the vagina/vulva confusion persists. If you’re reading this and you’re not sure what the difference is, remember that the vagina is an internal structure and the vulva is the external area that includes the inner and outer labia, the clitoris, the urethra and the vaginal opening. More on that in a future post.

Thanks again Jessica for sharing your story with me! I really appreciate what you do and that you are committed to ethical production and to giving back to worthy causes. You rock!

Follow VulvaLoveLovely on Facebook and Twitter.

Show your vulva some love!
Win a Kick it to Your Yeast Infection vegan soap by leaving a comment below. A winner will be chosen, at random, on October 17, 2011. Be sure to use a legit email so I can notify you if you win.

Aural sex does not come naturally to many of us, but it’s hard to dismiss the erotic power of a well-timed verbal seduction. If “dirty talk” is something you’d like to try, but you’re not quite sure how to start, this is a book that walks you through three easy steps. Well, not exactly “easy” because the scary thing about dirty talk is that it means you have to verbalize what you like, what you see, what you want. And most of us women have been taught that “nice girls” don’t say that kind of thing out loud.

Dr. Ruth Neustifter breaks dirty talk down into three steps: heighten desire with sensual descriptions; seduce with expressions of lust; explore fantasies with trust and openness. I agree with her that the importance of understanding our own unique sensual self cannot be under-rated. Our senses are how we receive and give pleasure, and our ability to own this part of ourself and express it has a direct impact on our sexual satisfaction. Once we know ourselves, then we can share ourself with our partner.

Ruth makes a great point that anyone can say “You’re so hot. I want you.” It is incredibly more seductive to personalize your dirty talk, specifying exactly what is so hot about your partner and exactly what you want. Yes, it may take practice to become fluent in this second language, but why not give it a try? As Ruth says, “when you seduce your lover, you can also seduce yourself at the same time.”

Be sure to leave a comment for a chance to win your own CycleBeads!

Keeping track of your menstrual cycle using CycleBeads is easy and all-natural. No hormones or pills to pop! If your cycle is between 26 and 32 days long, you can use the beads as a visual cue for when you’re likely to get pregnant (days 8 through 19). If you want to get pregnant, have fun! If you don’t, you can still have fun, but you’ll need to use protection.

CycleBeads are based on the Standard Days Method of natural family planning. When used correctly, the method is 95% effective in preventing pregnancy. Of course, that means that a woman has to keep the beads in a spot where she’ll see them every day, and she’ll have to remember to move the bead. (fyi – The white beads glow in the dark!)

The beads are a fantastic tool for teaching women about their cycles. It empowers women to be mindful of their bodies and their reproductive capabilities, especially in circumstances where other methods of birth control are not easily accessible.

I am not much of an app aficionado, but I do like iCycleBeads for my iPhone (there’s also an app for Android). Even though I am not concerned about pregnancy, it is important for me to keep track of my cycle because of other health concerns I have. I prefer the app because I always have my phone with me, and I like getting the automated alerts.

WIN CycleBeads!

Do you keep track of your cycle? How? What has worked for you and what hasn’t? Leave a comment and on August 15th, I’ll pick a winner. Make sure to use a good email address so that I can contact you if you win!

I’m a big believer in asking good questions. This new book does that as it gives voice to a variety of experiences people have had growing up in American churches. It’s a necessary conversation to have if we want to move toward a more beautiful and holistic integration of sexuality and spirituality.

Find out how to win a free copy »

I grew up in a fundamentalist church, so I was pretty much obligated to attend youth groups and summer Bible camps. This verse of “Teen for God” by Dar Williams sums up my experiences pretty well:

The girls have looks and the girls have rules
They came here from their Bible schools
They can make you pay attention
To the way you dress and eat
Make you trip over your own two feet and they
Kneel down on their towels at night
Their nightgowns glow with a Holy light
And we pray for the sinners
And their drunken car wrecks
And vow that I’ll never get high
And have sex
I’m a teen for God

Like most church kids, I grew up thinking that sexual feelings were inherently sinful. Of course, that didn’t stop me. My first boyfriend was from church, and he was 16 (I was 12). He drove a big yellow Cadillac and somehow my parents weren’t freaked out that I was dating someone that much older than me. They didn’t have anything to worry about though. We “dated” for nine months and never did anything more than hold hands. But I remember vividly the dance our hands would do as they’d edge closer to each other as we sat next to one another during Sunday evening services. I was heart-flutteringly aware of our bodies so close together, of how much I wanted him to hold my hand, and how sweet it felt when he finally did.

My next boyfriend was from church too. We pretty much went right to making out in the downstairs Sunday School classrooms. I remember us finding a dark corner, sneaking behind those sliding partition doors, and laying on the floor and kissing. That’s all we ever did, but we did it every week.

For all of the hormones permeating the air in that little white church, I don’t remember hearing much about sex. At least not open and honest conversations about sex. Instead, the message that sex was bad was communicated through rules forbidding us from seeing movies in the theater, listening to secular music (burn those Amy Grant tapes!) or going to school dances — because those things were seen as gateways to promiscuity.

Churches are so seldom sources of constructive dialogue about sexuality. Yes, there are some lucky folks who grow up in churches that talk candidly about sexuality and prepare young people to enjoy healthy sex lives. But for the majority of us who grew up going to church, we usually need to go through a time of sorting out fact from fiction. (Will the angels really cry if I touch myself? Does my worth as a woman really boil down to the condition of my hymen?)

The new book, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!: Young Adults Speak Out About Sexuality and Christian Spirituality, provides a window into that sorting out process. The essays cover wide ranging topics, including purity rings, homosexuality, body image, porn, sexual abuse, infertility, parenthood, fidelity, and embodiment. I appreciated that the Co-Editors, Heather Godsey and Lara Blackwood Pickrel, acknowledge in the Introduction that although they wanted to have a broader range of voices in this collection, the contributions were mainly written by white heterosexuals. (And that’s part of the problem with conversations about sex and the church, they are dominated by white heterosexual voices.) 

I don’t share the perspectives of every author, and that’s not really the point. The point, as I see it, is to share stories and ask questions. Each essay in the book is followed by a Bibliography, some Additional Resources, and Questions for Discussion and Contemplation. Questions like:

• What is your definition of pornography?
• What would happen if the church truly affirmed the God-created beauty and worth of the human body?
• What kinds of things would you include in a new sexual ethic for the church, one that both embraces the gift of sexuality and promotes seeking the image of God in our partners?

Important questions, don’t you think?

CONTEST:

I will be giving away 6 copies of Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!: Young Adults Speak Out About Sexuality and Christian Spirituality. To win a copy, do one or more of the following:

1. Leave a comment on this blog post
2. Become a Fan of LivingSexuality on Facebook and post a comment on this wall post
3. Tweet about this contest. Link to this blog post and include the hashtag #OhGodBook

The contest is open for a week. At 5pm on Thursday, February 18th I will pick 2 winners from blog post comments, 2 winners from Facebook, and 2 winners from Tweets. Do all three and you’ll have three chances to win.

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BONUS FEATURE:

Here’s a pic of me from 1985, sitting on the stoop of my cabin at Spencer Lake Bible Camp in Waupaca, Wisconsin.

My most vivid memory from camp was when they would do the altar call at the end of the nightly service, and everyone who didn’t have the gift of tongues was supposed to go forward and get prayed for. So I did. But I had a hard time not being distracted by the thought of all the cute boys in the Snack Shack licking their ice cream cones and looking so kissable with their sun-loved faces.

I never did speak in tongues.

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Disclaimer: I received a complimentary copy of the book for review. My endorsement appears on the back cover.

I was going to write a long list of the books I’ve read this year and which ones I’d recommend and for whom… but there is only so much time in the day. So I decided to narrow it down to a few books, though I realize they’ll probably only appeal to about half of you (sorry guys, maybe next year you’ll get your own list). For fresh takes on puberty, periods, self-esteem, and passion, I give you:

All The Wrong People Have Self-Esteem: An Inappropriate Book for Young Ladies – To give you a sense of what’s in store, the author runs a workshop in NYC called “Mistakes on Purpose,” believes “Collage is a way of life” and this is her website. Her premise? “interesting people are full of doubt. People who are totally sure their way is the only way are always wrong. I think self-esteem is a myth perpetrated by psychologists, movie stars, magazines, and the pharmaceutical industry. They want you to think something’s wrong with you because you don’t have self-esteem like you ‘should.’ Oh, please! georgia o’keeffe, beethoven, and mark twain all had their doubts, but managed to get a few things done, and so can you.”  Read more…