Excerpt from The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love by Thomas Moore

The phallus is not an image of the male ego; it is a representation of the earth’s potency and life’s capacity for creativity and pleasure. Ancient and primitive celebrations of the phallus were carried out with joy, laughter, comedy, and celebration. This phallus is not exactly symbolized by the ancient images of trees, bulls, and lightning that are associated with it. Rather it represents the power of life we encounter in these overwhelming revelations of nature. The phallus is in fact that power coursing through us, men and women, and in that spring of vitality we can find the creativity and energy we need to get along, survive, and thrive. Ancient humans knew that the ego is insufficient for making a truly creative life. They knew through their ideas of magic, in which the phallus is profoundly implicated, that we need nature’s power in us, and that there is no better example of nature dwelling in us effectively than our sexuality, with its autonomous responses and its ineffable capacity to generate new human life.  

The penis we see in pornography is not the true phallus; it is rather a poor attempt to restore the phallic dimension to the penis. Pornographic penises are symptomatic of our need to rediscover the phallus and with it a religious appreciation for life’s mysterious potency. Like the ancients carrying huge penises in their processions, we fantasize penises of unusual dimension and photograph them in ways that make them seem huge and detached from individual personality. But we don’t yet have a religious appreciation for the penis as the presentation of life’s almighty power. Religious institutions remain close to pornography, sometimes in their art and sometimes in their ingenious means of repression, because ultimately both are concerned with life’s deepest meaning and mystery. Like Isis in search of her brother Osiris’s lost organ, we are in search of the penis that cannot be imagined by medicine, the penis that leads us deep into life in all its procreativity and dynamic pleasure.

Later this month, I’ll be speaking to a group of addictions counselors about women’s sexuality:

• Normal sexual development from birth through adult
• How problems in development affect adult sexual health
• Connections between substance abuse and sexuality, especially among teens and women
• Treatment approaches and options
• When to refer to an appropriate clinician

That is a lot to cover in 90 minutes, but I am looking forward to the challenge.

If you’re a counselor, I hope you will consider attending! It is free and includes a continental breakfast and networking opportunities. The seminar is approved for 1.5 CEU credit hours. But seating is limited, so reserve your spot today!

(Click image to enlarge)

When I did a series of blog posts about menstruation a few months ago, one of the themes that emerged is that most of us didn’t get a lot of helpful and supportive guidance about menstruation when we needed it. Even now as adults, there is still an element of shame about this most natural process.

Elissa Stein is on a mission to change that. Her new book is FLOW: A Cultural Story of Menstruation and it is chock-full of info on all things menstrual – including some disturbing advertisements from the 1940s in which Lysol was touted as a “gentle” yet effective douche. (Ouch!)

Elissa kindly answers a few of my questions:

What made you want to write this book? What do you think it offers that other books on menstruation don’t?

The first glimmers of FLOW came about 15 years ago, when my period stopped and I was too terrified/ashamed to tell anyone. It took a year before I finally went to a doctor who, after everything looked ok, handed me a pack of birth control pills and told me we had to jump start my hormones. No exploration as to why it stopped (anorexia), just a chemical quick fix. I was angry, frustrated, disheartened both by there not being anywhere to go for information and that the subject was so difficult for me to talk about. I wanted to create something that would take away the stigma I’d grown up with.  

There are some great books out there, but FLOW is the only one that tells the visual story. In this society, where we get so much information from media and advertising, seeing what shapes our feelings and thoughts is a vital part of the whole.

Can I ask you about your own “first period” story? Were you prepared for it, or were you surprised and terrified? How do you think that first experience shaped your ideas about periods?

I didn’t get my first period until I was 14, years after the trauma of learning about it from that fifth grade film. I don’t remember discovering that it had started or how I dealt in the moment. I do remember begging my mother not to tell anyone. So, when my father announced at dinner, “I heard you started menstruating today,” as calmly as if discussing the weather, I was beyond mortified. I ran, sobbing, to my room and swore I’d never speak to anyone again. For the rest of my life. Obviously, that didn’t last.

As the mother of a tween daughter, how are you approaching the issue of menstruation with her? What do you think girls of this generation have going for them that earlier generations did not? What is not working in their favor?

Having worked on FLOW for three long years, menstruation is a matter of fact topic of conversation at my house. Both my daughter and my soon-to-be 9-year-old son are well versed in products options, how the system works, what PMS can look like, and how to make tampon rockets.

While on one hand, it’s heartening that so much information is available now compared to when I was growing up, the message of shame and secrecy is still being hawked. Plus, the rise of menstrual suppression advertising creates a whole new dilemma. The message that periods are an inconvenience that can be solved by popping a pill is being sold to girls on television, in magazines. Chemically altering natural cycles isn’t something to be taken lightly, but upbeat ads minimize side effects and potential long-term effects.

FLOW touches on some of the sad history regarding the way that women and their bodies have been maligned by religion, tradition and advertising. Unfortunately, I think we carry this history with us, even when we don’t want to and even though we know better than to believe it. Nevertheless, the myths and misunderstandings of the past seem to worm their way into the present. How do we move forward? How do we leave behind what isn’t true or helpful, and still embrace some sense of the sacred femininity that our ancestors seemed to understand — a connectedness to the rhythms of life that we don’t seem to notice.

At this point we’re generally so cut off from nature, from intuition, from what’s going on inside, it’s sometimes hard to see a way out of the prison that’s been built for us. One of the reasons FLOW is in the world is to start conversations, to get people thinking, and by talking and exploring, to start chipping away at those age old walls that have been built up.

We live in a unique time in history. Walk down the “Feminine Care” aisle at Target and there are a ton of options for pads and tampons. We also have a lot of choices when it comes to birth control. Yet most of us are woefully under-educated about what our choices mean for our hormone balance, our fertility, and the environment. Besides reading FLOW (which everyone should do!), what else can we do to become more informed?

So much of our education about menstruation and birth control comes from manufacturers, who have a vested interest selling us their products as well as their stories of convenience, of secrecy, of shame. This sounds ridiculous, but people shouldn’t believe everything they see in TV, print or online ads. People need to scratch the surface. Research. Read. Ask questions.

Ok, I’ll share my most embarrassing period story if you share yours. I was a teenager, maybe 16 or 17, and a boyfriend was over to my house visiting. We were in the living room watching TV when my dog drags in this bloody mess in his mouth. I knew instantly it was my pad from the bathroom trash and I hurriedly tried to grab it out of his mouth. I ended up chasing him around the house and trying to tackle him. They guy had no idea what was going on, and was like “Oh my God, what is that? What is wrong with your dog? Is he bleeding?” I think by the end of it, the guy realized why I was so embarrassed and we both tried to pretend it didn’t happen. Awkward!

Worst ever? Had to be eighth grade, woodworking class.  I went to the bathroom and discovered my period had started and there was a huge reddish brown stain across the butt of my white carpenter pants. Total mortification. Panicking, I told my friend Paul I must have sat in puddle of wood stain. He very thoughtfully lent me his flannel shirt to tie around my waist for the rest of the day. I spent three more classes terrified people would figure out what was really going on.

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Want more?

Listen to Elissa Stein and Susan Kim, authors of FLOW speaking with Dr. Oz on Oprah Radio.

Watch Elissa talk FLOW on The View on Tuesday, March 9.

Follow @ElissaStein on twitter

In 2009, the North Carolina legislature passed a bill that requires schools to teach both abstinence and information about contraception. My local paper featured an article with the familiar refrain from a concerned citizen that “talking about both abstinence and contraception sends mixed messages.”

I have never understood this reasoning.

Don’t we tell our kids not to wander off in the store, but if they do then they should find an adult and tell them they’re lost? Don’t we implore our kids not to play with matches, but tell them that if they start a fire they must tell an adult or call 911 immediately? Don’t we tell teens not to drink when they are underage, but if they do to absolutely not get behind the wheel of a car?

I don’t think those are mixed messages. I think those messages express the expectations of the parent coupled with the acknowledgment that the child has a mind of her/his own and may choose to do the action anyway. Most importantly, those messages also express that even if the child disobeys, the ultimate goal of the parent is still the safety of their child.

There are things I want, and don’t want, to be a part of my children’s lives. But whatever my kids choose to do/say/believe — the thing I most want in their lives is ME. I believe it is my right and my responsibility to share my values with my kids, but I am not under the illusion that they will share all of those values.

I think the best messages are ones that communicate our values AND communicate that whatever happens, our kids will always have our love and support.

To be clear, I support comprehensive sex education and believe that knowledge is power. I believe that the more informed people are, the better choices they will make. I also think that while abstinence until marriage will work for some people, our society needs to be mindful of the fact that it doesn’t work for 95% of the population.

One of the local school board members was quoted in the article as saying,

“Abstinence only. I just think that’s the proper moral thing to do right now as far as my beliefs go.”

As far as my beliefs go, it is the “moral thing” to teach kids how to engage their sexuality in ways that are safe, respectful of themselves and others, and consistent with their values. That may mean abstinence, but it doesn’t have to.

by Chungmi Kim

Awakened from a dream, I curl up
and turn. The roses on the dresser
smile and your words bloom.
The red roses for Valentine’s Day.

Like in a film
thoughts of you unfold
moment by moment.

I vaguely hear
the sound of your spoon scooping cereal
the water stream in the shower
the buzzing noise of your electric razor
like a singing of cicada.

Your footsteps in and out of the bedroom.
Your lips touching my cheek lightly.
And the sound of the door shutting.

In your light
I fall asleep again under the warm quilt
happily like a child.

Upon waking
on the kitchen counter I find a half
grapefruit carefully cut and sectioned.
Such a loving touch is a milestone
For my newly found happiness.

I’m a big believer in asking good questions. This new book does that as it gives voice to a variety of experiences people have had growing up in American churches. It’s a necessary conversation to have if we want to move toward a more beautiful and holistic integration of sexuality and spirituality.

Find out how to win a free copy »

I grew up in a fundamentalist church, so I was pretty much obligated to attend youth groups and summer Bible camps. This verse of “Teen for God” by Dar Williams sums up my experiences pretty well:

The girls have looks and the girls have rules
They came here from their Bible schools
They can make you pay attention
To the way you dress and eat
Make you trip over your own two feet and they
Kneel down on their towels at night
Their nightgowns glow with a Holy light
And we pray for the sinners
And their drunken car wrecks
And vow that I’ll never get high
And have sex
I’m a teen for God

Like most church kids, I grew up thinking that sexual feelings were inherently sinful. Of course, that didn’t stop me. My first boyfriend was from church, and he was 16 (I was 12). He drove a big yellow Cadillac and somehow my parents weren’t freaked out that I was dating someone that much older than me. They didn’t have anything to worry about though. We “dated” for nine months and never did anything more than hold hands. But I remember vividly the dance our hands would do as they’d edge closer to each other as we sat next to one another during Sunday evening services. I was heart-flutteringly aware of our bodies so close together, of how much I wanted him to hold my hand, and how sweet it felt when he finally did.

My next boyfriend was from church too. We pretty much went right to making out in the downstairs Sunday School classrooms. I remember us finding a dark corner, sneaking behind those sliding partition doors, and laying on the floor and kissing. That’s all we ever did, but we did it every week.

For all of the hormones permeating the air in that little white church, I don’t remember hearing much about sex. At least not open and honest conversations about sex. Instead, the message that sex was bad was communicated through rules forbidding us from seeing movies in the theater, listening to secular music (burn those Amy Grant tapes!) or going to school dances — because those things were seen as gateways to promiscuity.

Churches are so seldom sources of constructive dialogue about sexuality. Yes, there are some lucky folks who grow up in churches that talk candidly about sexuality and prepare young people to enjoy healthy sex lives. But for the majority of us who grew up going to church, we usually need to go through a time of sorting out fact from fiction. (Will the angels really cry if I touch myself? Does my worth as a woman really boil down to the condition of my hymen?)

The new book, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!: Young Adults Speak Out About Sexuality and Christian Spirituality, provides a window into that sorting out process. The essays cover wide ranging topics, including purity rings, homosexuality, body image, porn, sexual abuse, infertility, parenthood, fidelity, and embodiment. I appreciated that the Co-Editors, Heather Godsey and Lara Blackwood Pickrel, acknowledge in the Introduction that although they wanted to have a broader range of voices in this collection, the contributions were mainly written by white heterosexuals. (And that’s part of the problem with conversations about sex and the church, they are dominated by white heterosexual voices.) 

I don’t share the perspectives of every author, and that’s not really the point. The point, as I see it, is to share stories and ask questions. Each essay in the book is followed by a Bibliography, some Additional Resources, and Questions for Discussion and Contemplation. Questions like:

• What is your definition of pornography?
• What would happen if the church truly affirmed the God-created beauty and worth of the human body?
• What kinds of things would you include in a new sexual ethic for the church, one that both embraces the gift of sexuality and promotes seeking the image of God in our partners?

Important questions, don’t you think?

CONTEST:

I will be giving away 6 copies of Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!: Young Adults Speak Out About Sexuality and Christian Spirituality. To win a copy, do one or more of the following:

1. Leave a comment on this blog post
2. Become a Fan of LivingSexuality on Facebook and post a comment on this wall post
3. Tweet about this contest. Link to this blog post and include the hashtag #OhGodBook

The contest is open for a week. At 5pm on Thursday, February 18th I will pick 2 winners from blog post comments, 2 winners from Facebook, and 2 winners from Tweets. Do all three and you’ll have three chances to win.

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BONUS FEATURE:

Here’s a pic of me from 1985, sitting on the stoop of my cabin at Spencer Lake Bible Camp in Waupaca, Wisconsin.

My most vivid memory from camp was when they would do the altar call at the end of the nightly service, and everyone who didn’t have the gift of tongues was supposed to go forward and get prayed for. So I did. But I had a hard time not being distracted by the thought of all the cute boys in the Snack Shack licking their ice cream cones and looking so kissable with their sun-loved faces.

I never did speak in tongues.

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Disclaimer: I received a complimentary copy of the book for review. My endorsement appears on the back cover.

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and whether you celebrate enthusiastically, reluctantly, or not at all, it’s that time of year when everyone is talking about romance. While flowers and chocolates are nice, here are three things that will really make a difference in improving your love life.

Make Time
I know many of you are hesitant to “schedule” sex, but don’t you schedule other parts of your life? Heck, you make sure to get your nails done or your oil changed. People will say that they want sex to be spontaneous, but for most couples, that kind of “I-have-to-have-you-this-instant” intensity wears off eventually and you will have to take the initiative to make things happen. And the goal doesn’t have to be intercourse! Simply making time for each other – without kids, cell phones, or other distractions – will help you connect on an emotional and spiritual level that will make the physical encounters all that much more meaningful. Also, making time for each other forces you to make your relationship a priority. If you “can’t find time” for each other, you need to ask yourself why you are choosing to disengage.

Make Eye Contact
Is it possible that you can go through an entire day and never look into your partner’s eyes? For many, it’s more than possible – it’s the norm. Sometimes it’s because we’re too busy, but sometimes it’s because we’re avoiding our partner. Eye contact is powerful stuff, we can use it to affirm and “see” others, or we can withhold it to punish them and create distance. Try giving your partner more direct eye contact and see how it can change how you feel about them, and how they respond to you. Don’t be surprised if it feels a bit strange at first. Sadly, most of us are not used to giving or receiving extended eye contact, but it’s one of the easiest ways to communicate that you value and respect the other person, and that you are present with them in that moment — a true gift!

Make Noise!
I know, I know. Life would be so much easier if our partner could read our minds. And after ump-teen years of togetherness — shouldn’t we be able to expect it by now? Sorry to say, but the answer for most of us is “No.” If you want something, you need to say so. It can be scary to voice our wants and needs because we put ourselves at risk to be ignored or belittled. But the truth is, you need to know. You need to know you have a voice in your relationship, and you deserve to know if your partner is strong enough to respond in a healthy way. If you knew that whatever you wanted would be granted, what kind of sex life would you ask for? What’s keeping you from telling your lover? Are you afraid of them saying “No”, or you afraid of what happens when they “Yes”?

What can you ‘make’ for your Valentine this year?

Abraham Maslow says that self-actualizing people are fascinated by mystery. They do not avoid it in favor of clarity and certainty. This is another feature of personal depth. Mystery honors the incomprehensible depth that resides in every finite reality. We can feel drawn to the mystery of how the world works, to what underlies what we see, and to what comes next in history, ours and the world’s. This is an attraction to what is emerging. Teilhard de Chardin spoke admiringly of a “mysterious sense of the future … an attraction to the future as an organism progressing to the unknown.” We feel drawn to emergent properties of earth and ourselves that fit no categories yet discovered. We futurists may find that we are upstarts not quite at home in structures, institutions, or limited worldviews. We feel immortal evolutionary longings in the midst of change and end. Perhaps those longings are the wake of the ferry called Divine Plan.

- David Richo, The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them

A common complaint I hear from women* is that they’re too caught up in the craziness of daily life to relax and enjoy sex. So they either avoid it whenever possible, or “fulfill their wifely duty” and go through the motions (all the while distracted by the dirty laundry piled up on the floor, the dog barking next door, or the light on in the hallway).

One way to transition from sensory overload to sensual calm is to do some relaxation and meditation exercises. These practices can help you tune in to your body and be present in the moment – skills helpful in situations outside of the bedroom too.

For transitioning from the domestic to the erotic, a CD like Love Well can help orient your thoughts toward intimacy and pleasure. Certified Hypnotherapist Janet Montgomery provides  20 minutes of guided imagery, and Jeff Gold provides the music.

What I appreciated about this CD is that it could be used by anyone (any gender, any orientation) – unlike other CDs I’ve heard that were distracting because they were too specific, too “guided.” The goal here isn’t to insert fantasies into your mind, but to create a space for you to relax into your own sensual longings. You can listen to a sample on the Live Well Series website.

Experiment for a while and see what works for you. Some clients have found a ten minute video on YouTube.com helpful, some do yoga stretches, some listen to soothing music, some listen to a meditation CD, and some have taught themselves how to do progressive muscle relaxation.

If you frequently feel too anxious for sex, learn how to slow down and set aside the worries of the day. Instead of feeling burdened as if sex is another item on your “to-do” list, think of it as a reward – a time for you to enjoy the pleasures of your body and the connection you have with your partner. Satisfying sex can actually decrease your stress level and bring some of the peace and calm that you long for.

If you have a favorite technique or resource for transitioning from sensory overload to sensual calm, please add it in the comments.

*I need to point out that not only women complain of being too stressed out or distracted for sex. It’s a common misconception that only women avoid or turn down sex.

[I received the Love Well CD free for purposes of review]