I wrote an article yesterday for the February issue of Natural Awakenings, a free publication in the Charlotte area that covers Healthy Living. I wrote about desire since it’s been a hot topic as of late.

As I was looking for a quote by David Schnarch (something along the line of “if you don’t desire sex, it’s probably because the sex you’re having isn’t very desirable” – I think he wrote that in Passionate Marriage), I came across an interview he did. I bookmarked it so I could come back to it later. I try to ingest as much Schnarch as I can. Which reminds me, I really have to get his new book, Intimacy & Desire.

Tonight as I was reading the interview, I was reminded again how much I appreciate his approach to relationships. I thought I’d share this specific answer with you because it pretty much sums up my whole article.  Read more…

by Rabbi Rami M. Shapiro

May we discover through pain and torment,
the strength to live with grace and humor.
May we discover through doubt and anguish,
the strength to live with dignity and holiness.
May we discover through suffering and fear,
the strength to move toward healing.
May it come to pass that we be restored to health and to vigor.
May Life grant us wellness of body, spirit, and mind.
And if this cannot be so, may we find in this transformation and passage
moments of meaning, opportunities for love
and the deep and gracious calm that comes
when we allow ourselves to move on.

The following is an MTV Media Request. I do not have any additional information, nor can I personally vouch for the show or the producers. However, I am glad to see that they are offering a platform for people to discuss this often secret problem. Hopefully this show can help to educate the public and help those suffering to feel less alone. Read more…

I was going to write a long list of the books I’ve read this year and which ones I’d recommend and for whom… but there is only so much time in the day. So I decided to narrow it down to a few books, though I realize they’ll probably only appeal to about half of you (sorry guys, maybe next year you’ll get your own list). For fresh takes on puberty, periods, self-esteem, and passion, I give you:

All The Wrong People Have Self-Esteem: An Inappropriate Book for Young Ladies – To give you a sense of what’s in store, the author runs a workshop in NYC called “Mistakes on Purpose,” believes “Collage is a way of life” and this is her website. Her premise? “interesting people are full of doubt. People who are totally sure their way is the only way are always wrong. I think self-esteem is a myth perpetrated by psychologists, movie stars, magazines, and the pharmaceutical industry. They want you to think something’s wrong with you because you don’t have self-esteem like you ‘should.’ Oh, please! georgia o’keeffe, beethoven, and mark twain all had their doubts, but managed to get a few things done, and so can you.”  Read more…

(Bergquist/Detweiler)

You’re my water
You’re my wine
You’re my whiskey
From time to time

You’re the hunger
On my bones
All the nights
I sleep alone

Sweet intoxication
When your words
Wash over me

Whether or not
Your lips move
You speak to me

Like an ocean
Without waves
You’re the movement
That I crave

And in that motion
I long to drown
And be lost not to be found
You’re my water
You’re my wine
You’re my whiskey
From time to time

Yesterday, an Associated Press/MTV study revealed that 30 percent of youths say they have sent or received nude photos. So what’s a concerned parent to do?

When I work with parents on how to talk to their kids about sex, I like to refer them to the Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents, found in Deborah Roffman’s book, Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex. It’s common for parents to feel anxious about the topic of sex, so it’s helpful to keep these points in mind.

Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents

AFFIRMATION
In any dialogue about sex, it’s a good idea to begin by recognizing and validating your child’s stage of sexual development. Underlying most of their concerns is the question “Am I normal?”

INFORMATION GIVING
Kids need age-appropriate information about sex, but don’t think you can do it all in one “birds and bees” lecture. Make it an ongoing conversation.

VALUES CLARIFICATION
Sharing your values helps kids to identify and interpret competing values systems.

LIMIT SETTING
Setting age-appropriate rules creates a healthy and safe environment for children and adolescents. They may huff and puff, but secretly they appreciate having you set some boundaries.

ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE
Prepare your kids for the times when they’ll have to rely on themselves to make responsible choices.

So, let’s see how this would play out in real life:

Setting: You intercept a text to your 14-year-old daughter from her boyfriend in which he suggests she send him a sexy pic of her topless.

Affirmation – acknowledge that it can feel good to have that kind of attention from a guy

Information – let her know that most teens regret sexting and that it usually goes far beyond the intended recipient, and that there’s no way to stop it once it’s out into the world

Values – remind her that you value self-respect and that you don’t think that this kind of behavior is demonstrating that

Limits – you could set whatever limits make sense in your situation, perhaps restricting her cell phone privileges or access to the boyfriend

Guidance – this probably won’t be the last time that someone asks her to “sext” so talk with her about how to address other possibilities such as someone forwarding a pic to her — does she send it on or not?

Keep in mind — these are just simple examples that came to my mind of what you could say. You will have to speak from your heart and do what makes sense for you and your kid.

Also, this is not a one-sided encounter. At each point in the conversation, invite your child to agree, disagree, question and challenge you. This isn’t about indoctrinating them, it’s about creating a healthy environment for them to feel comfortable discussing important things with you.

Recommended Resources:

My blog posts about Talking to Kids About Sex

Sex and Sensibility

Everything you NEVER wanted your kids to know about SEX (but were afraid they’d ask)

What Every 21st Parent Needs to Know

Parents’ Sex Ed Center

Since it first made the headlines, everyone from Chuck Norris to Hot For Words has taken on sexting, but the numbers are increasing. The newest tactic is a series of ads with James Lipton (of Inside the Actor’s Studio fame).

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.
– Garry Shandling

Stefana Broadbent’s TED talk is called “How the Internet Enables Intimacy.” She shares stories of families setting up a webcam at dinner to share the experience via Skype with family members in another country, and of loved ones who sneak away for a few quiet moments during their work shift so that they can say “good morning” or “good night” via their Blackberry or iPhone. These are lovely sentiments, but I disagree with her use of the word “intimacy.” Read more…

Most of us have unrelenting longings for whatever was missing from our childhood. Every intimate bond will resurrect these archaic yearnings, along with the terrors and frustrations that accompany chronically unmet needs. But this puts us in an ideal position to revisit those thwarted needs, to revive our energy, and to reconstruct our inner world in accord with life-affirming principles. A solid bond in a relationship — as in religious faith — endures despite the impact of events, so our resistance is the only obstacle to the growth that can emerge from pain. As we mend the broken fabric of ourselves, what was arrested in the past is released. We are back in touch with who we really are and can live in accord with that rediscovered essence.

- David Richo, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

The Christian sexual tradition uses scripture and theological tradition as supports for a code of behavior which developed out of mistaken, pre-scientific understandings of human anatomy, physiology, and reproduction, as well as out of now abandoned and discredited models of the human person and human relationships. The churches are still today teaching theological conclusions originally based in ignorance of women’s genetic contribution to offspring, ignorance of the processes of gender identity and of sexual orientation, and of the difference between them – ignorance which has allowed and supported patriarchy, misogyny, and heterosexism, the assumption that heterosexuality is normative. We are still teaching a sexual code based in fear of the body and of sexuality, in understandings of sexual virtue as the repression of bodily desires by the force of the rational will, on physicality, especially sexuality, as an obstacle to spirituality, and on women as lacking reason and only possessing the image of God through connection to men. The churches have disowned the Mosaic law’s assumption of male ownership of women and children, Luther’s understanding that women are like nails in a wall, prohibited by their nature from moving outside their domestic situation, and Aquinas’ teaching that females are misbegotten males, produced from male embryos by physical or mental debility in the father, or by moist winds off the Mediterranean. But we continue to teach most of the sexual moral code which was founded upon such thinking.

- Christine E. Gudorf, Body, Sex, and Pleasure: Reconstructing Christian Sexual Ethics