There’s a news item that’s been getting some fun reactions the past few days:

Sex toy research causes a stir at Duke

Student health centers across the country are looking for ways to curb “serial promiscuity” and risky sex, so a behavioral economist and student health workers at Duke are investigating whether sex toys may be a credible cure.

Not surprisingly, some people are questioning the merits of this research, among them Father Joe Vetter, director of the Duke Catholic Center.

“I’m concerned about promiscuity also,” Vetter said. “And to be honest, I don’t have the solution. … My concern is these students are in this developmental phase, and I don’t think it’s a good developmental practice to just tell somebody to just sit around and masturbate. I don’t think that promotes relationships.”

Vetter, like many parents and educators, is concerned for students. But like most of them, he offers no real alternative for them. He doesn’t want them to have risky sex (or any sex for that matter), or to masturbate, but he doesn’t offer them any other “solution.”

Back to the research – I am actually interested in the results. Let’s not forget that 15 years ago, Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders was fired by President Clinton after she suggested that it just might be okay to tell kids it was perfectly normal to masturbate. What will happen if this study (or others) can actually “prove” that masturbation with sex toys keeps students from engaging in risky sex? I hope that we have come to a place where we can actually discuss this without someone losing their job.

However, I suspect that this research won’t prove anything. Much of the risky sex that occurs on college campuses (and elsewhere for that matter) is accompanied by alcohol, right? So are college coeds really going to stop partying at the frat house, go back to their dreary dorm room, by themselves, and use a vibrator instead? Somehow I doubt that.

And I have a problem with this whole notion that what people are after is just an orgasm. If that is all they want, then fine. A vibrator can help with that. But genitally-focused, physically-based sexuality is only going to get people so far. I worry that using vibrators as a safe alternative to sex will only perpetuate the idea that sex is about what you do and not about who you are.

I would like to see research done to explore how empowering people to embrace their sensuality, sexuality and eroticism helps them make healthier choices. And honestly, most women would do well to learn to self-pleasure without the assistance of a sex toy. Women should not expect a toy (or a partner) to give them an orgasm, it needs to come from within themselves.

Whether you’re 18 or 81, sure… sometimes you might just want an orgasm. But I believe, that at the deepest level, we all long for meaningful connection and intimacy – and there’s no Silver Bullet for that.

Il bel far niente is Italian for “the beauty of doing nothing” – an ability that most Americans lack. As Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love:

“Ours is an entertainment-seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure-seeking one. Americans spend billions to keep themselves amused with everything from porn to theme parks to wars, but that’s not exactly the same thing as quiet enjoyment.”

Her difficulty with pleasure sounds familiar:

“A major obstacle in my pursuit of pleasure was my ingrained sense of Puritan guilt. Do I really deserve this pleasure? This is very American too – the insecurity about whether we have earned our happiness.”

How did she change her beliefs about pleasure? Instead of attacking her pursuit of pleasure in Italy as a homework assignment, asking “How is pleasure most efficiently maximized?” and interviewing Italy’s best pleasure seekers, she says:

“When I realized that the only question at hand was, “How do I define pleasure?” and that I was truly in a country where people would permit me to explore that question freely, everything changed. Everything became . . . delicious.”

John Legend was in Charlotte last night at Amos’ Southend – only a few blocks from work.

He was hosting a concert for “estelle” – the first artist on his label, Homeschool Records. I wasn’t a huge fan of hers, but it was worth standing through her set just for the chance to see him come out and do a few songs with her. He is such a great performer, and dang if he ain’t FINE….

What are your favorite pleasures?

If you ask someone to make a list of their favorite pleasures, they’ll probably make a list of physical pleasures — getting a massage, eating their favorite ice cream out of the box, or maybe they’ll even say sex.

Most of us don’t think of “mental pleasures” – like the pleasure of doing the Sunday morning crossword puzzle, or the pleasure of using our imagination. What about the pleasure we have when we think of a great idea?

I was studying pleasure today and I’ve learned how to think of it in a new way. Pleasure is more than the absence of pain, it is the freedom to enjoy our sensuality. Pleasures can be as big as the twinkling night sky, or as small as the first yellow tulip that rises from the ground in spring. Pleasure can be had when we enjoy the way our body moves, when we savor the taste of fresh fruit, when we smell our baby’s hair, or when we hear the birds singing in the early morning.

How different our world would be if we believed in the value of pleasure. Our society says that pain is meaningful, that pain teaches us something. That can be very true.

But can’t we say the same of pleasure? Why do we have senses and desires and passions if they are only to be controlled and stifled. Why, even in marriage, are people afraid to truly open themselves up to experience pleasure?