I feel like everywhere you look these days there’s some woman reading 50 Shades of Grey — the woman in the doctor’s office blushing behind her e-reader, the woman on the train earnestly trying to cover her book’s jacket, the woman at the park feverishly flipping through the pages — it’s everywhere. Even if you haven’t read it, you’ve certainly heard about it and have maybe even contemplated reading it. What started out as Twilight Fan Fiction has quickly become a NYTimes Bestseller and an eye-opener to those not so well-versed in the world of BDSM.

If the steamy pages of dom/sub play were a new concept for you and you found yourself excited, you should take heed from Anastasia and Christian’s relationship and repeat after them. Maybe you’re not ready for an elaborate sex room, but you can always build up to that. For now, let’s just start small with some Adam and Eve 50 Shades of Grey inspired sex toys.

First up, the Door Jam Cuffs: These are great to simulate suspension and to give your master complete control over you.

Leather plays a consistent role in 50SoG, so take your punishment in style with the Fashionistas Black Glass Riding Crop. You can whip and be whipped right into submission. Note: the name is misleading, it is made of glass and leather.

Remember that Anastasia wasn’t allowed to touch Christian, so work up the same restraint with the Sex and Mischief Bed Bondage Kit. With all four appendages cuffed, you won’t be able to move or touch anything.

While Christian said he hadn’t collared anyone, it doesn’t mean you can’t. Check out Bound by Diamonds Leash & Collar to really know what being “owned” feels like.

Finally, if you really want to create your own sex room, start by getting the sexy Love Swing‚ a playground for all sorts of deliciousness and domination that will never err on the vanilla side.

However, if you decide to explore the world of BDSM, be sure to talk to your partner beforehand. Set up a safe word and move into it slowly. It can be a little scary if it isn’t done with someone you’re comfortable with, so be sure to wait at least until the 2nd date to whip out your door restraints. I kid, but do be ready to be open with your partner and even more open with your mind.

And, if you don’t have a partner to tease and tempt you, don’t worry, there’s still 50 Shades of Grey, your imagination and an endless sea of vibrating goodness.

“Turning a human being into a ‘thing’ is almost always the first step towards justifying violence against that person.”

Is Jean Kilbourne ‘s message empowering to women, or does it harm women by casting them as victims in a vast body-image conspiracy?

Okay, this is a clever ad to promote noodles that “won’t swell.” And just because I’d be lumped into the first bowl of noodles, doesn’t mean I can’t take a joke.

However, this ad is more than just another take on “fat=undesirable” and “skinny=desirable.” It also shows the overweight women as lifeless and just, well … blobs. The skinny women are coy and cooing and looking ever eager to please.

So here is another example of how we perpetuate the message that overweight women have nothing to offer and are unappealing, and that thin women are always sexy and interested in being consumed.

That mode of thinking is not helpful to anyone. Not to the women who want to believe they can be desirable no matter what their size, and not to the men who wonder why their girlfriends/wives won’t open up sexually.

As if young men didn’t already have enough anxiety over the size of their “equipment,” this Gillette clip begins and ends with the promise that if they shave their “underbrush” their “tree” will look taller.

Consider this another reminder that you owe it to your children (of any age) to talk to them about healthy sexual attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. When parents are silent, this kind of misguided “education” wins.

And remember, the discussion really shouldn’t be about shaving. The discussion is about how to make wise and responsible decisions about sexual health in a world that is often only trying to sell you something. You see, if Gillette can convince a generation of young men that shaving will make their genitals appear larger, and that that is a worthwhile aspiration to have, then they will sell a lot more razors. Their job is to sell razors; your job is to talk to your kids about sex.

So talk with your kids about the messages they receive about sex. Believe it or not, they are looking to you to help them sort it all out.

What are the words and phrases that people use when talking about teens and sex?

Alyssa Wulf, a linguist and co-founder of Real Reason, presented a provocative final plenary at the AASECT conference last week. (AASECT is a professional association of sexuality educators, counselors and therapists.)

She began by showing how we use conceptual metaphors to make mental shortcuts, such as describing “ideas” with references to “food”:

• Half-baked idea
• Digest information
• Chew on a thought

She then explained how she investigated why people don’t push for Comprehensive Sex Ed, since most people say they want it in our schools. What’s the disconnect? Why don’t parents and community members vote for it, fight for it, and advocate more for it?

Alyssa and her colleagues evaluated speeches, curricula, political cartoons, pamphlets, etc about teenage sexuality and found that the two most common conceptual metaphors were sex as “contaminant” and sex as “opponent.” (See the image above for some examples, though you can probably think of many more.) Even sex-positive sources often refer to sex with words like: “risk,” “threat,” “consequences,” “protect from,” “avoid,” “arm with information,” etc.

Opponent…

Contaminant…

Threat…

These metaphors are scary, so it makes perfect sense that parents react emotionally and feel the need to protect their kids from sex.

Is there another way?

Yes, there is. Alyssa and her team suggest that we talk about sex in way that people relate to – sex as “personality”:

• An ever-present part of every person
• Stable, yet evolves and changes over time
• Crucial to one’s identity and self-hood
• A venue for reaching our potential

If we can commit to talking about sex in this way, we can move past the war of words and find a place of common ground.

As a clinical sexologist, I had a particular interest in watching Ted Haggard in his many media appearances this week and the conversation it has sparked among many. From his interview on Oprah, Ted Haggard seems to understand that human sexuality is complex. He said this several times. He also said that he didn’t want to be pigeon-holed into either a “homosexual” or a “heterosexual” category, although it seems that everyone (on both sides of the debate) is trying to do just that.

What was missing from the conversation was the awareness that sexual orientation exists on a spectrum. Between the polarizing categories of “gay” and “straight,” there is a diversity of experiences and orientations. Intuitively, I think we understand this, yet our culture loves to categorize people into easily-definable boxes.

In his ground-breaking 1948 book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, Alfred Kinsey wrote:

Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. Not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behavior the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex. (p. 639)

Kinsey, after painstakingly interviewing over 12,000 men,  devised a seven-point scale to reflect the spectrum of sexual experience:

0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual

1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual

4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6- Exclusively homosexual

It is foolish for anyone to assume anything about Ted Haggard’s sexual orientation. We are fond of thinking that we know more about another person than they know about themselves. The truth is that we are all on a journey of self-discovery.

From my limited interaction with Ted Haggard’s story, it sounds to me like he has reached a place of understanding about his own sexuality and grasped this basic concept that many, gay and straight (including Oprah Winfrey), have not seemed to grasp — that there are more than two categories of human sexual experience.

I am a sexuality educator and coach based in Charlotte, North Carolina. If you have sexual health concerns, I invite you to take the free Sensovi Life Test or contact me.

I am committing to reading 10 good books this year. I read a lot, but mostly non-fiction related to work, and I seldom read more than 60-70% of a book. I get agitated when I feel that writers are repeating themselves just to fill up pages.

I enjoy reading articles and blogs online, but have come to realize that they just can’t cover subjects to the degree that a good book can. I am narrowing down my list of blogs that I will tend to, focusing on ones that either educate or inspire me. More on that in a future post.

For now, these are the TEN BOOKS I COMMIT TO READING THIS YEAR:

Life is a Verb by Patti Digh – which I bought myself for Christmas. I follow the author Patti Digh on twitter and her blog is fantastic! “37 days to wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally.”

Taking Flight by Kelly Rae Roberts – another book I bought myself for Christmas. I adore Kelly Rae‘s creations and one of her lovely prints adorns my foyer. Her book includes a lot of her art as well as others’. “Inspiration and Techniques to Give Your Creative Spirit Wings.”

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein- this was one of my favorite books as a kid, and my daughter is in a real “giving” stage right now. She made ornaments and handed them out to strangers last month. I got upset when she gave her Christmas presents to people a week early, but she cried and said she couldn’t help it because she just like to make people happy. She’s a sweetie and I think she’ll enjoy this book.

Driftless by David Rhodes – I heard a spot on NPR the other day about this book and knew right away that it was going to make my list. Why? Because it’s set in my home-state of Wisconsin. Read an excerpt.

Eve’s Revenge: Women and a Spirituality of the Body by Lilian Calles Barger - Sounds right up my alley.

The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman’s Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine by Sue Monk Kidd – she probably doesn’t remember this, but Julie Clawson and some other women recommended this book to me when we were at the Emerging Women’s East Coast Gathering in Virginia Beach in late 2006.

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant - gotta have some good fiction to even things out. I heard positive things about this book a few years ago, and I own the book. ‘Bout time I read it!

Now onto books more geared toward my day job:

Sex on the Brain by Daniel Amen, Bonk by Mary Roach, and TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis by Ian Stewart.

And if I’m really on top of things, I may even post book reviews!

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy teamed up with CosmoGirl.com to do a survey of teens and young adults examining their attitudes and behaviors related to sex and cyberspace. The results are shocking – or not – depending on how familiar you are with the lives of modern teens.

Perhaps the most unsurprising thing I noticed is that teens and young adults are confused about sex and sexuality.

• 75% of teens and 71% of young adults say sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences.”

• Yet, 39% of teens and 59% of young adults have sent or posted sexually suggestive emails or text messages—and 20% of teens and 33% of young adults have sent/posted nude or semi-nude images of themselves.

Read more about the study or get tips for parents and kids on how to safely navigate cyberspace.

I love seeing people talk about how affectionate and loving Barack and Michelle Obama are. It was mentioned on Oprah last week, as well as on The View:

Whoopi said: “You know what I think is really exciting is that there’s gonna be some action in the White House. These are not two people who move in separate lanes…I think there’s gonna be a whole lot of whoopee going on.”

Sheri agreed: “I thought President Obama was gonna pop her on the rear-end…he loves his wife!”

What I think is so interesting is that people are making these assumptions based on how they see the Obama’s interact. John Gottman is famous for studying what makes couples tick (or not), but I think on some level we can all sense when people are truly happy with each other, truly connected emotionally and spiritually.

I hope the Obamas will continue to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life, even with all the pressures of being President and First Lady. I hope that it might inspire all of America’s couples to find comfort, connection and pleasure with the one they love!