In 2009, the North Carolina legislature passed a bill that requires schools to teach both abstinence and information about contraception. My local paper featured an article with the familiar refrain from a concerned citizen that “talking about both abstinence and contraception sends mixed messages.”

I have never understood this reasoning.

Don’t we tell our kids not to wander off in the store, but if they do then they should find an adult and tell them they’re lost? Don’t we implore our kids not to play with matches, but tell them that if they start a fire they must tell an adult or call 911 immediately? Don’t we tell teens not to drink when they are underage, but if they do to absolutely not get behind the wheel of a car?

I don’t think those are mixed messages. I think those messages express the expectations of the parent coupled with the acknowledgment that the child has a mind of her/his own and may choose to do the action anyway. Most importantly, those messages also express that even if the child disobeys, the ultimate goal of the parent is still the safety of their child.

There are things I want, and don’t want, to be a part of my children’s lives. But whatever my kids choose to do/say/believe — the thing I most want in their lives is ME. I believe it is my right and my responsibility to share my values with my kids, but I am not under the illusion that they will share all of those values.

I think the best messages are ones that communicate our values AND communicate that whatever happens, our kids will always have our love and support.

To be clear, I support comprehensive sex education and believe that knowledge is power. I believe that the more informed people are, the better choices they will make. I also think that while abstinence until marriage will work for some people, our society needs to be mindful of the fact that it doesn’t work for 95% of the population.

One of the local school board members was quoted in the article as saying,

“Abstinence only. I just think that’s the proper moral thing to do right now as far as my beliefs go.”

As far as my beliefs go, it is the “moral thing” to teach kids how to engage their sexuality in ways that are safe, respectful of themselves and others, and consistent with their values. That may mean abstinence, but it doesn’t have to.

Yesterday, an Associated Press/MTV study revealed that 30 percent of youths say they have sent or received nude photos. So what’s a concerned parent to do?

When I work with parents on how to talk to their kids about sex, I like to refer them to the Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents, found in Deborah Roffman’s book, Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex. It’s common for parents to feel anxious about the topic of sex, so it’s helpful to keep these points in mind.

Five Core Needs of Children and Adolescents

AFFIRMATION
In any dialogue about sex, it’s a good idea to begin by recognizing and validating your child’s stage of sexual development. Underlying most of their concerns is the question “Am I normal?”

INFORMATION GIVING
Kids need age-appropriate information about sex, but don’t think you can do it all in one “birds and bees” lecture. Make it an ongoing conversation.

VALUES CLARIFICATION
Sharing your values helps kids to identify and interpret competing values systems.

LIMIT SETTING
Setting age-appropriate rules creates a healthy and safe environment for children and adolescents. They may huff and puff, but secretly they appreciate having you set some boundaries.

ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE
Prepare your kids for the times when they’ll have to rely on themselves to make responsible choices.

So, let’s see how this would play out in real life:

Setting: You intercept a text to your 14-year-old daughter from her boyfriend in which he suggests she send him a sexy pic of her topless.

Affirmation – acknowledge that it can feel good to have that kind of attention from a guy

Information – let her know that most teens regret sexting and that it usually goes far beyond the intended recipient, and that there’s no way to stop it once it’s out into the world

Values – remind her that you value self-respect and that you don’t think that this kind of behavior is demonstrating that

Limits – you could set whatever limits make sense in your situation, perhaps restricting her cell phone privileges or access to the boyfriend

Guidance – this probably won’t be the last time that someone asks her to “sext” so talk with her about how to address other possibilities such as someone forwarding a pic to her — does she send it on or not?

Keep in mind — these are just simple examples that came to my mind of what you could say. You will have to speak from your heart and do what makes sense for you and your kid.

Also, this is not a one-sided encounter. At each point in the conversation, invite your child to agree, disagree, question and challenge you. This isn’t about indoctrinating them, it’s about creating a healthy environment for them to feel comfortable discussing important things with you.

Recommended Resources:

My blog posts about Talking to Kids About Sex

Sex and Sensibility

Everything you NEVER wanted your kids to know about SEX (but were afraid they’d ask)

What Every 21st Parent Needs to Know

Parents’ Sex Ed Center

Since it first made the headlines, everyone from Chuck Norris to Hot For Words has taken on sexting, but the numbers are increasing. The newest tactic is a series of ads with James Lipton (of Inside the Actor’s Studio fame).

Clearly, we cannot take our daughters into a space where we have never been. We cannot provide healing for them in areas in which we’re still deeply wounded ourselves. If we still carry generations of shame about the processes of our female bodies, we cannot hope to pass on to our daughters a sense of love for their own bodies. We need new ways of thinking about this whole area. Each of us must create new ceremonies and new rites of passage for our own daughters. But before we can hope to do this effectively, we must own our own experiences, however unsupportive and painful, and work through them.
- Christiane Northrup, MD Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

October is Let’s Talk Month, when parents are encourage to talk to their kids about sex. But why is talking about sex so difficult?

In this interview done by DJ Chuang, I talk about some of the reasons why we find it difficult, and I also offer some suggestions for how to get a dialog with your tween started.

For more help, contact me about upcoming workshops for parents. I also visit community groups and churches to speak with parents of children of all ages — even toddlers! It’s never too early to create a safe space for your child to develop their sexuality and never too early to share your values about sex.

For additional resources, I recommend Advocates For Youth, which has a Parent’s Sex Ed Center with many helpful links. Also, Rev. Debra Haffner has great books for parents, and Robie Harris has several books that parents and kids can read together.

Parents: Are there other resources that you’ve found helpful?

by Ricki Thompson

It wasn’t spring.
It was the third Wednesday in Lent
And our principal was pulling
The heavy vinyl curtain between us,
Boys on one side,
Girls on the other,
Our fifth grade split
Like a cross of section of a tulip,
Here is the stamen, here is the pistil,
And behind us on the plaster wall
Was Jesus, bleeding
And with downcast eyes.
A white-capped nurse gave
Each girl a sanitary napkin
And the vocabulary we would need:
Erection, menstruation,
Fertilization, reproduction,
She piled up words like mortared bricks.
The movie was called
Growing Up and Liking It.
It showed an animated egg
Clicking along the fallopian tube,
A product on the conveyor belt
Of early automation. We saw
The outline of a naked boy,
Heard the nurse say,
Of course you know about wet dreams,
The words escaping like
Houdini’s doves. Did she mean
That dream about the swamp
Where snake-like monsters
Swelled with venom? We knew
There were other words, unspeakable,
Engraved in toiled stalls,
And written in our hearts
The words of Scripture,
Know ye not that your body
Is the temple of the Holy Ghost?
Each girl held a sanitary pad,
Wide and long as our Girl Scout
Troop’s raft. As we stood
At the edge of the swift current
Without the strong arms of
Fathers and brothers to guide us,
We would learn to ferry ourselves
From this world to the next.

Talking to kids about sex doesn’t have to be scary!

• Answer questions as they come up and listen carefully to what is being asked. Don’t put your child off, they may not ask again. Reward a question with, “I’m glad you came to me with that question.” Say this before you respond to what was asked. It will teach them to come to you when they have other questions.

• Anticipate your child’s questions, then practice your responses ahead of time. Become familiar with typical sexual questions and behaviors that occur at various ages. This will reduce the chance of being caught off guard. Read more…

Unsolicited advice from my 8-year-old daughter:

As if young men didn’t already have enough anxiety over the size of their “equipment,” this Gillette clip begins and ends with the promise that if they shave their “underbrush” their “tree” will look taller.

Consider this another reminder that you owe it to your children (of any age) to talk to them about healthy sexual attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. When parents are silent, this kind of misguided “education” wins.

And remember, the discussion really shouldn’t be about shaving. The discussion is about how to make wise and responsible decisions about sexual health in a world that is often only trying to sell you something. You see, if Gillette can convince a generation of young men that shaving will make their genitals appear larger, and that that is a worthwhile aspiration to have, then they will sell a lot more razors. Their job is to sell razors; your job is to talk to your kids about sex.

So talk with your kids about the messages they receive about sex. Believe it or not, they are looking to you to help them sort it all out.

One of my Sheroes, Rev. Debra Haffner, has an excellent article on the Huffington Post -

Yes, Sex Education in Kindergarten!

The most important section is quoted below. Notice what Sex Ed is (and what it IS NOT).

Sex education in the early primary years sets a foundation for later, more in-depth education. It provides lessons on family roles, taking good care of your body and the correct names of body parts. It helps children feel good about their bodies, their gender and their families. To protect them against sexual abuse, it teaches children “no, go, tell” — say no, get away, and tell an adult you trust what happened. It promotes parent/child communication around these issues.

A primary school curriculum does not teach five- and six-year-olds about sexual behaviors, contraceptive methods, or indeed anything at all about what most people think of as “sex.” To suggest otherwise is a gross political distortion.

If you are interested in more of Debra’s take on raising sexually healthy children, she has several books out:

What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know: Facing Today’s Challenges with Wisdom and Heart

Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens From Middle School to High School and Beyond

From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children