Neil Cowley is bringing his Mind as Water project to Charlotte this week, and I will be taking the plunge! Not only does Neil take gorgeous wedding photographs, but his portraits of people in water are part of his mission to bring clean water to the world. And along the way, he is reminding people to stop and feel the rain drops…

How did this project come about?

My inspiration came from Chinese wisdom poems:
TAO TE CHING #8
The highest form of goodness is like water.
Water knows how to benefit all things without striving with them.
It stays in places loathed by all men.
Therefore, it comes near the Tao.
The Tao Te Ching are a very old set of wisdom poems who’s origin is Chinese. Reading them, I caught onto the multiple visuals of water used to illustrate their spiritual lessons. To understand the Tao at it’s most basic level, understand them as word puzzles, designed to bring the mind to a place of spirit; or trick the mind away from limiting it’s thinking. Let me translate to show the point: The highest form of goodness [is a formless liquid that fills it's container] So if you are paying attention to what – the why comes to light. The verse says, “water benefits all things without struggling against them”, and the initial photographs were self-portraits from my own meditations. The meditations were my process to confront mountains of negative feelings brought to the surface of my heart during the breakup of my 12 year marriage. At a place in my life where I wanted to retreat, where my emotions told me to retreat, where my expectations told me I was a failure, water stayed in that place of my heart; and was the gateway to healing.

How would you describe the images? They are rather sexy, no?

I dare say they are sexy. And not in the over-wrought, media hyped way that is so rightly criticized in our culture today. I hope that I am able to touch on that raw, creative power of the universe that chooses to create new life with sex. I hope that the sensual joy that every person is capable of in their own body, is accepted in my pictures; and stands as an example of imagery that does not exclude or suggest that an ideal must be achieved to ‘be sexy’. I hope that the entirely natural joy and grace found in water on your skin is as palpable in the photographs as in real life. The challenge is getting out of the way and letting that flow through the pictures.

What’s the experience like for those who are brave enough to get in the shower for you?

Many of the subjects are artist friends, so they are comfortable in front of the camera. But spraying water over themselves, they can become as awkward and lost as you might be imagining. As I began to describe, I believe that my role in the photography is to guide them into a meditation in the water – not to make an astounding picture. So let me describe what that experience may be like for someone. Bob comes to the shoot excited by the images he has seen on my site and eager to showoff how cool and arty he is on Facebook. Oh, and maybe he’s been working out too, so this is an opportunity to show off a little. Water can’t hurt right – well: “Water overcomes the stone” so it’s not going to have any problem with your eyeballs. Bob thinks in his head how he might look if he moves his arm this way, or his shoulders that way, and asks for my opinion. I just sidestep the question and ask if he can keep his eyes open and look into the camera. Because I can see that he can’t, and he’s absorbed in his own thoughts. So when I think he’s learned all he’s going to on his own, I step in with a few suggestions like “start with the water on your right shoulder, and pay attention to how it runs down your back”. So Bob’s attention is drawn to the water on his skin, and away from how he thinks he looks. From there, if practiced – he will have a tremendous experience managing himself among the water drops.

That sounds similar to what I see people doing in their sexual relationships – becoming more of a spectator instead of a participant. They are more concerned about how they look to the other than how they feel. Instead of experiencing their sensuality, they are performing.

Besides taking stunning photographs, what are you aiming for with this project? You are hoping to fund wells in Uganda correct?

I believe that sharing the joy of the experience of water is the start to a wholehearted awareness that will produce global change. I hope that you can’t look at the images without being confronted with the immediacy of life, the fragile strength of the human spirit, the specifically unique experience of each person, and the universal involvement of people not like yourself. If I can capture all that, present it in a gallery show, and convert your gratitude into a water tank in Uganda; maybe I will become that master that the chinese speak of who “benefit without action”.

To schedule a time with Neil this weekend, join the Facebook event page. 

Getting Wet is a post from: Living Sexuality

Yet the touch of a stranger
the bumping or predatory thrust
in the subway is like a slap.
We long for the familiar, the open
palm of love, its tender fingers.
It is our hands that tamed cats
into pets, not our food.

The widow looks in the mirror
thinking, no one will ever touch
me again, never. Not hold me.
Not caress the softness of my
breasts, my inner thighs, the swell
of my belly. Do I still live
if no one knows my body?

We touch each other so many
ways, in curiosity, in anger,
to command attention, to soothe,
to quiet, to rouse, to cure.
Touch is our first language
and often, our last as the breath
ebbs and a hand closes our eyes.

The tao of touch is a post from: Living Sexuality

Why Your Daughter Needs to Know Boys Aren’t Assholes

… Now, imagine that we were able to convince all young women that guys were decent human beings who want more than “just one thing.” Suppose girls were taught that guys like relationships and that they value intelligence, a sense of humor, and a kind soul. For one, romantic relationships would seem much more obtainable and appealing. But secondly, girls would have an easier time learning to value those traits in themselves. When we tell girls that guys only want them for their vaginas, they get the message that their value lies solely within their sexuality. Wonder why so many teen girls seem overly consumed with their bodies, clothing and makeup? Because we inadvertently support the notion that a girl’s biggest asset is her sex appeal. If girls were raised hearing “what guys want is a girl who’s ambitious,” then to impress a guy, they would be hitting their books, not jumping in the sack.

What you tell your daughter about the opposite sex matters. It affects both how she will approach romantic relationships and what she will value in herself. Illuminating the fact that guys are real people with real emotions makes them less intimidating and makes it easier for girls to know what they should expect out of a relationship. If you let your daughter believe that guys are assholes, how can you insist she have standards for the type of guys she dates? Why not date losers–if all guys are jerks anyway.

What Daughters Need to Know is a post from: Living Sexuality

When I told a male friend the same thing, he asked “What’s a vulva?”

Hence, this is the relationship we have with vulvas.

Author Hylton Coxwell photographed 101 women, ages 18-65, and his book illustrates just how diverse and unique vulvas are. He says that his motivation for the project was to “help society overcome its fear and shame regarding the vulva.”

In my work with adult women, I find that many of them hold a lot of shame about their genitals. Women are often unaware of their own bodies, and because they can’t/don’t see other women’s vulvas, they assume that their own is somehow deformed or ugly. And if a woman has seen the idealized images in mainstream porn, then she is convinced she is defective!

In the past, I have used Nick Karras’ book Petals to show women just how varied vulvas truly are. After their initial discomfort, they develop an awareness of what a real vulva looks like and they decide that their own is just fine, maybe even beautiful. For sex educators, coaches and therapists, Vulva 101 is a welcome new resource for one-on-one and group sessions.

One criticism I have, which the author concedes, is that the women who participated in this project were a self-selecting group and don’t necessarily represent 101 average women. For example, the number of women who are shaved and/or pierced is pretty high. Still, the book accomplishes what it sets out to do — showcase vulvas in all their varied forms.

- – - Update – - –

The following is from an email that Hylton sent in response to my review. I added it (with his permission):

Regarding the number who were shaved or not (20% were naturally hairy), I do believe this to proportionately represent women in general (at least in this part of Canada). “Average” women do appear to remove some or all of their pubic hair. But, I’m in the process of researching that with a much larger group of women, and will write an article with the findings.

The piercings, at about 14%, may be an anomaly given the small data set (101). On the other hand, they are becoming increasingly common. Most in the book might surprise you (they surprised me sometimes); librarians and lawyers, and most are moms in their 30s and 40s.

Review: Vulva 101 is a post from: Living Sexuality

Are you feelin’
A little desperate
Get on your knees
And confess it
Honey please
Don’t second guess it
You’re desperate
For love

Is this just
A little fling
Or is it about
A little bling bling
Either way
You feel the sting sting
You’re desperate
For love

It might only take a kiss
For the plot to take a twist
That you hadn’t counted on

Just a tiny little minute
But eternity will be in it
If you turn me on

Red wine on my lips
Got this black silk slip on my hips
The kitchen faucet just drips and drips
You’re desperate for love

Hear the song here

Desperate For Love is a post from: Living Sexuality

David Buss on Mating Strategies is a post from: Living Sexuality

For once, I hardly noticed what I ate
(salmon and broccoli and Saint-Véran).
My elbow twitched like jumping beans; sweat ran
into my shirtsleeves. Could I concentrate
on anything but your leg against mine
under the table? It was difficult,
but I impersonated an adult
looking at you, and knocking back the wine.
Now that we both want to know what we want,
now that we both want to know what we know,
it still behooves us to know what to do:
be circumspect, be generous, be brave,
be honest, be together, and behave.
At least I didn’t get white sauce down my front.

Runways Café II is a post from: Living Sexuality

Is Jean Kilbourne ‘s message empowering to women, or does it harm women by casting them as victims in a vast body-image conspiracy?

Killing Us Softly is a post from: Living Sexuality

I was curious how a unique venture like this began, so I sent Jessica-Marie, the creator of VulvaLoveLovely, a few questions. She was kind enough to respond, and to offer a FREE GIFT to one of my lucky commenters (see below for details).

Q. What or who inspired you to create your first vulva pendant? How did that evolve into a business?

A. I love this question. At the age of 14 I experienced a really terrible sexual trauma. It haunted me for years, I treated my body like trash as a punishment to myself. My body was a bad omen. It got to the point that I couldn’t even bear to touch myself to wash off in the shower. I saw a counselor but the problem was that I had displaced all of my fear and shame onto my Vulva and my counselor wasn’t really willing to go there. She never used ‘the V word’ in our sessions and I really needed her to.

One day I couldn’t deal any more. I could hardly function and my sex life was terrifying. I have always been an artist and always used art to restructure negative feelings. I figured I would try doing just that and the first Vulva portrait pendant was born. I hated that pendant. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. I kept it on my desk at home so that I would look at it every day. Over time I started noticing things that I liked about it, a curve or a color. Then finally about a month later I was able to look at it for what it was, beautiful and powerful. I was able to look at it and recognize that it wasn’t a bad omen or a black hole. At the time I was in working with a rape crisis center and I wore it in one day. Everyone wanted one and so they all got one. At this point a friend of mine came to visit and saw all of this Vulva art everywhere and suggested I try selling it. At first I thought the idea was crazy but later on I decided I could try it and donate the money I made to the crisis center. Within a week I was getting thank you letters from strangers who had found the site and it just sort of snowballed from there.

Q. Your message is “Love Your Vulva.” Why do you think it is so difficult for women to believe that their vulvas are beautiful?

A. Everything we see and hear implies that we shouldn’t believe it. Just the word itself is taboo, which can only suggest there is something inherently wrong with the thing itself. When we start talking about sexual appeal women are told that their Vulva’s need to be a particular shape, color and size. The slang terms that we have for our Vulva’s are predominantly ugly representations: beaver, fish lips, camel toe, bearded clam, meat curtains… you get the idea. With synonyms like these it’s not hard to see why we as a society sub consciously adapt the belief that Vulva’s are ugly. Unlike men women’s Vulva’s are very hard to see, so often times the only point of reference women have is what they see in porn. And what they see is dyed, shaved, airbrushed and sometimes surgically altered. What they see does not occur naturally. So with all of this combined it is very difficult for women to see their Vulva’s as beautiful or even valuable.

Q. Now this is a pet peeve of mine, so bear with me, but why do you sometimes refer to the pieces as “vagina pendants”? It perpetuates misinformation about women’s bodies. Vaginas and vulvas are not the same thing.

A. This is a perpetuation of the problem by the problem. The main way we drive traffic to the site is by google search, and 98% of the time people are searching for “Vagina Pendants, or Vagina Art” so our site has to be set up to catch those keywords. Google gives the most weight to title names, then descriptions. This means the only way to catch that traffic is to title the same way people are searching. The way we have tried to find a middle ground, so that we are catching that traffic while informing people that these two words are not the same thing is by alternating title names between vulva and vagina. In the descriptions we also use both, but again because google looks at the descriptions to determine search page ranking we have to use both.

I understand the whole Google search thing, but it is unfortunate that the vagina/vulva confusion persists. If you’re reading this and you’re not sure what the difference is, remember that the vagina is an internal structure and the vulva is the external area that includes the inner and outer labia, the clitoris, the urethra and the vaginal opening. More on that in a future post.

Thanks again Jessica for sharing your story with me! I really appreciate what you do and that you are committed to ethical production and to giving back to worthy causes. You rock!

Follow VulvaLoveLovely on Facebook and Twitter.

Show your vulva some love!
Win a Kick it to Your Yeast Infection vegan soap by leaving a comment below. A winner will be chosen, at random, on October 17, 2011. Be sure to use a legit email so I can notify you if you win.

Luv Your Vulva is a post from: Living Sexuality

A single apple grew on our tree, which
was some kind of miracle because it was a
pear tree. We walked around it scratching
our heads. “You want to eat it?” I asked
my wife. “I’d die first,” she replied. We
went back into the house. I stood by the
kitchen window and stared at it. I thought
of Adam and Eve, but I didn’t believe in Adam
and Eve. My wife said, “If you don’t stop
staring at that stupid apple I’m going to go
out there and eat it.” “So go,” I said, “but
take your clothes off first, go naked.” She
looked at me as if I were insane, and then
she started to undress, and so did I.

Just to Feel Human is a post from: Living Sexuality