Women are fairly vocal about their frustrations with the unrealistic expectations placed on them, yet they often don’t realize that they perpetuate similar stereotypes about men. I heard all three of the following statements in sessions this week, and I was reminded of the damage that this kind of thinking does. Much of what we believe we “know” about men and sex is wrong: Read more…

Okay, this is a clever ad to promote noodles that “won’t swell.” And just because I’d be lumped into the first bowl of noodles, doesn’t mean I can’t take a joke.

However, this ad is more than just another take on “fat=undesirable” and “skinny=desirable.” It also shows the overweight women as lifeless and just, well … blobs. The skinny women are coy and cooing and looking ever eager to please.

So here is another example of how we perpetuate the message that overweight women have nothing to offer and are unappealing, and that thin women are always sexy and interested in being consumed.

That mode of thinking is not helpful to anyone. Not to the women who want to believe they can be desirable no matter what their size, and not to the men who wonder why their girlfriends/wives won’t open up sexually.

• 19 million new Sexually Transmitted Infections will occur this year
• STI’s cost the health care industry $15 Billion annually
• More than half of all of us will get one at some time in our lives
• Two-thirds of new cases are in people under 25 years of age

On Monday, I gave a three-hour workshop entitled, “The Local Impact of STI’s” (Sexually Transmitted Infections) for area counselors, social workers, school nurses and public health professionals. My three objectives were that participants would learn more about the most common STI’s, understand the emotional impact of a diagnosis, and see the importance of connecting patients/clients to resources for education and support.

Note: STI’s and STD’s are the same thing. “STD” is still the most widely used term, but there is a shift to using “Infection” instead of “Disease.” The term “disease” implies that a person is sick, but most people with STI’s don’t know that they are infected and/or don’t experience noticeable symptoms.

• 20% of Americans have Genital Herpes
• 90% of the people with Herpes don’t know they have it

Since I had several school nurses in attendance, we spent some time talking about the sex ed that kids receive in schools. We discussed reasons why the STI rate among American teens is so much higher than in other countries.

• The U.S. teen Chlamydia rate is 20 times higher than in France
• The U.S. teen Gonorrhea rate is 74 times higher than in France

Although the age at which young people begin sexual activity is about the same, American teens have a higher pregnancy rate, higher abortion rate, and higher birth rate than most industrialized nations. But why?

A big factor is condom usage. True, condoms don’t offer 100% protection against STI’s, but a condom or dental dam is far better than using nothing. Yet, Abstinence-Only Sex Education stresses the failure rate of condoms, and teachers cannot instruct teens on how to use one properly.

Theoretically, abstinence would be 100% reliable protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections, but…

• In one study, “virgins” had the same rate of STI’s as sexually active teens
• In communities with a large number of teens pledging abstinence, there’s a higher rate of STI’s (9% vs 5.5%)

So, what accounts for the large numbers of Americans, especially teenagers, who contract a Sexually Transmitted Infection each year? I think one important factor is the love/hate relationship our society has with sex. On one hand, we produce billions of dollars worth of porn and export it all over the world, and on the other hand we’re still pitching a fit about Janet Jackson’s breast exposed for 2 seconds.

We need to become more comfortable thinking and talking about sex. The obsession/repulsion reaction to sex has many damaging implications, including the the very real problem of Sexually Transmitted Infections. Not only do STI’s cause physical pain, but they cause emotional pain as well.

• In men, STI’s increased the overall risk of depression by 50%
• In women, STI’s increased the risk of depression by 80%

What you don’t know can hurt you.

This is so disturbing, but I post it in an effort to bring awareness to this tragedy.

Thanks to The Tiny Voice of Reason for posting it here.

I get so irritated every time I hear or read someone listing all of the terrible things that are likely to happen to you if you have pre-marital sex. Federally funded abstinence-only-until-marriage programs must teach that “sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects.”

I interact with people with sexual problems on a daily basis. Here are just a few of the potential “harmful psychological and physical effects” of abstinence:

• Vaginismus – the body’s unconscious response to a perceived threat (read: a penis). The vaginal muscles constrict to prevent penetration. Vaginismus results in unconsumated marriages, painful sex, and relationship problems. (Interesting note: Most women with vaginismus were raised in religious/conservative homes.)

• Belief that “Men need sex” and “Women need emotions” - Do you see how this mindset creates a double-bind? Women feel that it would be odd or wrong for them to enjoy sex, but yet feel like they must do it in order to satisfy their husband. A lot of “wait for sex” texts reinforce this unhelpful (and wrong) way of understanding men, women, sex, and emotions.

• Rapid Ejaculation – a lot of men who delay sexual relationships become so used to their masturbatory habits that they find it difficult to transition to having intercourse. They carry the shame and guilt from their “lustful” abstinent years into their relationship.

Please note that I am not saying that pre-marital sex does not have the potential for negative consequences. It absolutely does … have the potential … to cause “harmful psychological and physical effects.” But so does abstinence.

Photo by Jacob Bøtter

As I was writing my previous post about Ted Haggard, I was wondering what Joe Kort was going to say on the matter. Joe is the author of Straight Guise, a blog about men who have sex with men (MSM) and who question their sexual orientation. Joe has written a fascinating list of sixteen reasons why men have sex with men, “only some of which have anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.”

In his post on Ted Haggard, he says “Nobody knows the truth about Haggard but Haggard himself!” (The exact point that I was trying to make in writing my post!)

“This needs to be about understanding and being curious about how complicated sexual behavior and identity can be!”

Read Joe’s four reasons why people have such a hard time with Ted Haggard.

Someone forwarded me the blog post Lessons from the Ted Haggard Story, and for the first time I heard about Ted’s Nightline comment:

“Just as the church made a horrible mistake several centuries ago, insisting that the Earth was flat when, in fact, the Earth was round, I think the church may make a major mistake in our generation saying that sexuality should be this and nothing else when, in fact, there’s a lot more diversity.”

It appears that Ted and I have a mutual concern.

However, I predict that the church’s stance on homosexuality will change, just as its stance on divorce has. Fifty years ago, a woman would suffer terribly in her marriage because she was told that divorce was not an option. I know this, because it’s part of my family history. Her fear of going to hell was greater than her fear of her husband.

Likewise, there are people who do not feel that they have an option to be anything other than heterosexual. Their fear of hell (often in the form of disappointed parents, an unkind society, or outright damnation) is greater than their fear of stifled sexuality.

And if there’s one thing that I have learned in working with people on their sexual issues, it is that although we think we can tuck our sexuality neatly away into a corner of our lives, the truth is that it permeates every moment. If we aren’t honest with who we are sexually, then we aren’t being honest with who we are.

When people are asked what they are most embarrassed to talk to their health care provider about, sexual concerns top the list:

Top 10 Medical Problems Too Embarrassing to Discuss with a Physician
1. Sexual Dysfunction
2. STD’s
3. Sexual Abuse
4. Prostate Problems
5. Incontinence
6. Emotional Problems
7. Eating Disorders
9. Substance Abuse
9. Birth control and Sex
10. Menopause and Sex

source  Am Fam Physician 1999; 59:18

Health professionals need to take the initiative in broaching the subject of sex. I know that most people (including doctors and nurses, etc) are reluctant to ask pointed questions about sex. Direct questions can catch a patient off guard at first since they are so unaccustomed to someone actually inquiring about their sex life. Still, most patients are relieved to finally have someone to talk to about their questions and concerns.

Patients Want to Talk about Sexual Activity but Hesitate to Begin Discussion
Marwick C. JAMA. 1999;281:2173-2174
85% of adults would like to discuss sexual functioning with their physcian but…
71% believe their physician would not want to or have to time to deal with sexual problems
68% of adults are concerned about embarassing their physician
76% thought no treatment was available for sexual problems

Did you see that? 85% WANT TO TALK TO THEIR DOC ABOUT SEX, but they hesitate to do so because they don’t want to inconvenience or embarrass their doctor, or they are doubtful that there is any help possible.

We all need to be advocates for our own health and happiness, and we need to take our sexual concerns seriously. It is a quality of life issue. However, health care providers need to take more initiative also. All health care professionals should be comfortable discussing human sexuality because their comfort will create a safe environment for their patients to discuss sex.

If both the physician and the patient are at ease with sexual topics, then they can move forward and address any problems quickly and with the most appropriate and most effective resources/treatments.

The UNC School of Journalism and Mass Communication has posted a three-part series on Sexually Transmitted Infections. I believe these were done a few years ago, but they are still relevant and worth watching if you need a refresher.

The report on HPV and Herpes features a mother and daughter, each infected with one of the viruses. I know from facilitating a support group for the H community, that although many of them want to be more vocal and to advocate for Herpes and HPV awareness, it is very scary to commit to actually speaking and appearing on camera. Hopefully these videos will serve to inform and inspire.

Go to videos…