Talking to kids about sex doesn’t have to be scary!

• Answer questions as they come up and listen carefully to what is being asked. Don’t put your child off, they may not ask again. Reward a question with, “I’m glad you came to me with that question.” Say this before you respond to what was asked. It will teach them to come to you when they have other questions.

• Anticipate your child’s questions, then practice your responses ahead of time. Become familiar with typical sexual questions and behaviors that occur at various ages. This will reduce the chance of being caught off guard. Read more…

I love the idea behind My Little Red Book – a collection of 92 stories of first periods.

Menarche is a rite of passage for women, yet it is often shrouded in such secrecy that young girls assume it is something they need to fear, or at least be ashamed of. Some of the stories in this collection do recount sad tales of adults who did little to prepare girls for this transition into womanhood. Yet, there are stories of tenderness and celebration.

I hope that this book will begin a new way of thinking about and talking about first periods (and all periods, for that matter). I wonder how euphemisms like “The Curse” impact how women feel about menstruation, their bodies, and sexuality.

Menstruation is a sign that another life is possible. It is an opportunity to celebrate womanhood, creation, life, motherhood, and Self. When did these become shameful things?

As if young men didn’t already have enough anxiety over the size of their “equipment,” this Gillette clip begins and ends with the promise that if they shave their “underbrush” their “tree” will look taller.

Consider this another reminder that you owe it to your children (of any age) to talk to them about healthy sexual attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. When parents are silent, this kind of misguided “education” wins.

And remember, the discussion really shouldn’t be about shaving. The discussion is about how to make wise and responsible decisions about sexual health in a world that is often only trying to sell you something. You see, if Gillette can convince a generation of young men that shaving will make their genitals appear larger, and that that is a worthwhile aspiration to have, then they will sell a lot more razors. Their job is to sell razors; your job is to talk to your kids about sex.

So talk with your kids about the messages they receive about sex. Believe it or not, they are looking to you to help them sort it all out.

Results from a new public opinion survey of teens and adults—With One Voice (lite) 2009—provides some guidance on what might help to reverse the recent increase in the teen birth rate.  Results from the nationally-representative survey make clear that (1) when it comes to teens’ decisions about sex, parents are more influential than they think, and (2) adults and teens view efforts that encourage teens to delay sex and that encourage sexually active teens to use contraception as complimentary not contradictory strategies. In particular:

• Teens say parents (31%) most influence their decisions about sex—more than friends (18%), the media (7%), teachers and sex educators (3%) and others.
• For their part, 43% of adults believe that friends most influence teens’ decisions about sex; only 24% of adults believe that parents are most influential.
• Fully 73% of adults and a plurality of teens wish that teens were getting more information about both abstinence and contraception, rather than either/or.

Download With One Voice (lite) 2009 here.

Quoted from The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy E-gram. Sign Up.

I love this quote from an article about Debra Haffner,

“Our sexuality and our spirituality are intimately connected,” Haffner told a crowd at the First Unitarian Society in Madison earlier this month. At their best, after all, they share what Haffner called “a common moral vision” — how to love each other and how to treat each other with respect.

Debra is a Unitarian Universalist minister and the author of several books. She was the head of SIECUS (the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S) from 1988 to 2000. She is now the director of the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice and Healing, the mission of which is to “change the way America understands the relationship of sexuality and religion” — no small undertaking.

Other great quotes:

“Sexuality is creative, good, our bodies are wonderful things, there are many forms of blessed relationships.”

“Our sexuality must be exercised wisely so it is not in service of pain and exploitation.”

“Our sexuality in all its stunning diversity is part of God’s creation.”

I had the chance to meet Debra at the 2007 AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) conference in Charlotte after her plenary session “Sexuality and Religion: What’s the Connection” (which also happens to be the name of her fabulous blog).

I’m sure she doesn’t remember me, but I will remember meeting her. As a young sexologist, she was one of the few “Sex-lebrities” that I wanted to meet (Ian Kerner was the other and I got him to sign a book for me!). Although I don’t know that I agree with her on every issue, I admire her dedication to talking about sexuality and spirituality in a way that is informative, inspiring and healing.

62211 PLENARY SESSION: SEXUALITY AND RELIGION: WHAT’S THE CONNECTION?

I’ve enjoyed some lively dialogue created by my Choices in Sex Ed post a few days back, as well as some postings on Twitter.

Today I read “New U.K. Sex Ed Urges Parental Talks with No Values” as a headline on The Christian Post.

“Discussing your values with your teenagers will help them to form their own,” the pamphlet reads. “Remember, though, that trying to convince them of what’s right and wrong may discourage them from being open.”

Contrary to what the headline implies, and what people might assume, the pamphlet encourages parents to share their values, even acknowledging that discussing their values will help their kids form their own values. This is a point that I stress when I talk to parents about how to talk to kids about healthy sexuality. I remind them over and over that they are their child’s first source of sex information, and that sharing sexual values is incredibly important. Most kids say they truly want to know what their parents think about sexual issues, and why. When it comes to sex, parents have a lot of influence on their children, more than probably the parents or the kids realize.

The second part of the quote is probably what is setting off the controversy, but isn’t it plainly obvious? I think we all know, because of our own human nature, that the more someone tries to convince us of something, the more compelled we often feel to do the exact opposite — if only to disagree for the sake of disagreeing. And who likes to argue for the sake of arguing more than teens?

As parents, we can (and must) share our values about sex (and money, and health, and education, and personal responsibility, and… and..) but we also must be mindful that we cannot guarantee that our kids will have those same values. And if we err on the side of arguing our point to death, we may sacrifice our significance as our kid’s “safe place” to come with their vulnerabilities and questions.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to want to pass on our values to our kids, and I’m not saying that we shouldn’t argue our points (to some extent). What I am saying, is that the best way to pass on those values is by first living them out ourselves, and then creating a home environment that offers the opportunity to talk openly, ask important questions, and develop self-control, communication skills, and relationship wisdom.

Rep. Alma Adams, a Greensboro Democrat, is one of four primary sponsors of the House Bill 88: Healthy Youth Act.

The bill would allow parents to choose between the standard sex ed course which emphasizes abstinence until marriage, and a comprehensive approach that provides more information about disease and pregnancy prevention.

“There’s just so much evidence that our kids do need to be informed,” Adams said last week. “It’s an issue I don’t think we’ve addressed adequately.” Source

The bill seems like a practical solution to the sex ed debate. Parents, like myself, who want their kids to receive comprehensive sexuality education can have that choice. The problem is that a lot of kids are still going to get limited information. While many parents argue that they want the responsibility of talking to their kids about sex, the reality is that few of them do. In my many discussions with people about their sexual development, only a few have told me that they feel their parents truly talked to them about sex, beyond the perfunctory “Don’t get pregnant” speech.

Last week, I talked with a young woman serving with AmeriCorps. She is passionate about sexual health and is hoping to teach more comprehensive sex ed in Charlotte-area schools. She knows how important it is. She was speaking at a local high school recently and a teenage boy asked her, “What is semen?” This is a boy who was quite possibly having sex, and yet he didn’t know what semen was!

I disagree with the argument that teaching young people about condoms is like teaching them how to use a bong. I think of it like this: We don’t want our kids drunk driving, so we tell them that if they drink, they shouldn’t drive and they either need to stay where they are or call someone to pick them up. Without condoning the underage drinking, we put the emphasis on their safety. In the same manner, we can tell our kids that while we don’t want them engaging in casual sex, if they do, we want them to be safe.

What do you think? Should parents get to choose, or do we need to have one standard curriculum for every student in the state? And if we can only have one option, which should it be?

Abstinence-Only or Abstinence-Until-Marriage. This type of sex ed program generally teaches students that premarital sex can be dangerous to their physical and psychological health. Most people who support abstinence-only education believe that if you teach teens about birth control and safer sex, it will confuse them and send them the message that “sex is OK.” Instead, abstinence-only programs provide students with inaccurate and misleading information about contraception; in short, that condoms don’t work. These programs also treat topics like homosexuality and masturbation as unacceptable behaviors.

Abstinence-First. This type of sex ed program can be a mixture of things. In general, it stresses abstinence as the best way to protect oneself from pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), but also accepts that many students are already having sex or will have sex. In this case, abstinence-first programs tell students about how to use condoms, birth control, and other safer sex practices, and how to get these methods, too. Homosexuality and masturbation may be mentioned in classes, but their treatment can vary widely.

Comprehensive. This type of sex ed program provides a positive view of sexuality as a natural part of human development. It teaches about sexual abstinence as well as pregnancy and disease protection, and provides teens with skills to ensure they are able to take care of their sexual health and make healthy, responsible decisions. It gives teens accurate information about condoms and birth control, STDs, including HIV/AIDS, and also includes gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual issues. Comprehensive sex ed considers homosexuality and masturbation to be normal aspects of human sexuality.

Source: Sex, Etc

The most important strength of comprehensive sex ed is that it “provides teens with skills to ensure they are able to take care of their sexual health and make healthy, responsible decisions.” Knowledge is Power!

Another important point to be made is that whatever is taught in schools, it doesn’t negate the need for parents to develop an open, honest and ongoing dialogue with their child about all aspects of healthy sexuality. Talking about sex is a parent’s responsibility – and a school’s, and a church’s, and a community’s.

The following is taken from the Unitarian Universalist Church’s “Our Whole Lives” curriculum (OWL), a faith-based sexuality education program for young people.

It was dusk. The apartment was empty save for the two of them. As they lay entwined in warm embrace, this room this bed was the universe. Aside form the faint sounds of their tranquil breathing, they were silent. She stroked the nape of his neck. He nuzzled her erect nipple first gently with his nose, then licked it, tasted, smelled and absorbed her body odor. It was a hot and humid August day, and they had been perspiring. Slowly he caressed her one breast as he softly rolled his face over the contours of the other. He pressed his body close against her, sighed, and fully spent, closed his eyes and soon fell into a deep satisfying sleep. Ever so slowly she slipped herself out from under him, lest she disturb him, cradled him in her arms, and moved him to his crib. Having completed his 6 o’clock feeding, the four-month old had also experienced one more minute contribution to his further sexual development.

Consider these questions -

• Did you assume that “he” was an adult?
• Have you considered that babies are sexual beings?
• How do you think your earliest experiences impacted your sexual development?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy teamed up with CosmoGirl.com to do a survey of teens and young adults examining their attitudes and behaviors related to sex and cyberspace. The results are shocking – or not – depending on how familiar you are with the lives of modern teens.

Perhaps the most unsurprising thing I noticed is that teens and young adults are confused about sex and sexuality.

• 75% of teens and 71% of young adults say sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences.”

• Yet, 39% of teens and 59% of young adults have sent or posted sexually suggestive emails or text messages—and 20% of teens and 33% of young adults have sent/posted nude or semi-nude images of themselves.

Read more about the study or get tips for parents and kids on how to safely navigate cyberspace.

One of my Sheroes, Rev. Debra Haffner, has an excellent article on the Huffington Post -

Yes, Sex Education in Kindergarten!

The most important section is quoted below. Notice what Sex Ed is (and what it IS NOT).

Sex education in the early primary years sets a foundation for later, more in-depth education. It provides lessons on family roles, taking good care of your body and the correct names of body parts. It helps children feel good about their bodies, their gender and their families. To protect them against sexual abuse, it teaches children “no, go, tell” — say no, get away, and tell an adult you trust what happened. It promotes parent/child communication around these issues.

A primary school curriculum does not teach five- and six-year-olds about sexual behaviors, contraceptive methods, or indeed anything at all about what most people think of as “sex.” To suggest otherwise is a gross political distortion.

If you are interested in more of Debra’s take on raising sexually healthy children, she has several books out:

What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know: Facing Today’s Challenges with Wisdom and Heart

Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens From Middle School to High School and Beyond

From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children